The Paradigm Confessional Thread

quote:

Originally posted by Zopwx2 spoiler (highlight to read): I've literally WASTED my entire summer vacation doing absolutely nothing productive. College is going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the face soon.....

The summer before your first year in college is meant to screw around with. If it means constantly going on YTMND.com and telling everyone and their cousin about it, then so be it. At least you'll (hopefully) do well in the fall.

quote:

Originally posted by Bleedthrough quote: Originally posted by Zopwx2 spoiler (highlight to read): I've literally WASTED my entire summer vacation doing absolutely nothing productive. College is going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the face soon..... The summer before your first year in college is meant to screw around with. If it means constantly going on YTMND.com and telling everyone and their cousin about it, then so be it. At least you'll (hopefully) do well in the fall.

Well, for once, I agree with him. Don't be too hard on yourself. Why in the world are we so obssessed in this world with being "productive"? What were you going to do? Was there a big "plan"?

Shaoblane:
You had better go. For all the complaining about not being listened to when you said you felt ill, now you aren't going to go?? WTF??? And if it's something minor, then what?...Liz, this is probably the nastiest I've ever posted. Get your butt there tomorrow. GO!!

quote:

Originally posted by Madrona Shaoblane: You had better go. For all the complaining about not being listened to when you said you felt ill, now you aren't going to go?? WTF??? And if it's something minor, then what?...Liz, this is probably the nastiest I've ever posted. Get your butt there tomorrow. GO!!

I'm rescheduling because...I wanna talk about more than unusual gross birth control side effects, I wanna talk about anti-depressants too. Meaning I gotta talk to someone else. I need a new appointment anyway.

BTW, this anti depressant thing, it's 1 AM right now, and it just hit me that I should do that.

I tried to go tonight (sunday, cause it's monday now, damnit) and I was really afraid something was gonna happen if I drove, but I tried it anyway. So I got my keys, went to the door, and DAD CAUGHT ME. I chickened out and told him I was going to a movie. It wasn't all bad though. He came with me and we went to dinner, but I am trying. I filled my older brother in on the situation, and I know that might help out later.

[Edit]
Rescheduled for Wednesday the third at 8.

quote:

Originally posted by Madrona quote: Originally posted by Bleedthrough quote: Originally posted by Zopwx2 spoiler (highlight to read): I've literally WASTED my entire summer vacation doing absolutely nothing productive. College is going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the face soon..... The summer before your first year in college is meant to screw around with. If it means constantly going on YTMND.com and telling everyone and their cousin about it, then so be it. At least you'll (hopefully) do well in the fall. Well, for once, I agree with him. Don't be too hard on yourself. Why in the world are we so obssessed in this world with being "productive"? What were you going to do? Was there a big "plan"?

Not really obsessed, just when you think about the past month and can't remember doing anything important you kind of feel like you wasted your summer. Well I was planning on getting another job, but I've been unemployed so far and no one wants to hire someone for a month only.

Anyway no big deal anyway, but my freshman year isnt going to be all fun & games either.

quote:

when you think about the past month and can't remember doing anything important you kind of feel like you wasted your summer.

I'd feel like that, and often do, but I just spent about five minutes reading a list of CIA cryptonyms on wikipedia. Which is a productive use of my time.

Kind of a confession, though won't come as a surprise to most who know me well:

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I am not the stereotypical "nice guy" that a few people who have just met me or ascertain from my words or actions. I am, as said, patient, and tolerant to a fault (mostly because I'm level-headed, and don't let much bother me that I feel is beneath me - probably why I don't post much in this thread), but I have an incredibly mean, ugly side when you try your luck and push past my limits; my sense of humor turns and I take great pleasure and gratification from any suffering your actions have wrought. I tend to "preempt" the universe, so to speak, and take karma into my own hands. But I do deplore physical violence; besides, there are more permanent ways to "fix" someone .

Well, two more that are new:

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I don't show "proper" respect to authority figures simply because they exist as such; my generosity is unlimited, but my respect is something that you have to earn by you action. This sometimes puts me at heads with my teachers and, currently, a boss of mine; I respect her knowledge of things, but I don't like her hypocritical attitude about things, and I let her know as such. Continually. In a subtle way, of course. I have high standards of integrity and honesty, and I hold others to that, too. I don't have a lot of overblown pride, but I do take pride in the fact that I’ve never said anything that I didn't think or believe - whether kind or cruel.

Also:

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I'm probably one of the only people labeled the loaded "highly gifted", but generally dislikes and shuns what's associated with it. I like intelligent conversation, but most of the "gifted" kids I've ever been force into the same space with do nothing but pitter their inflated egos in dry, rabbit-sh*t conversations that are about as appealing to me as the prospect of a prostate exam with an English mace

Eh...that's it for me with this thing. *Goes back to reading*

Peace

quote:

Originally posted by Sharpshooter005 quote: when you think about the past month and can't remember doing anything important you kind of feel like you wasted your summer. I'd feel like that, and often do, but I just spent about five minutes reading a list of CIA cryptonyms on wikipedia. Which is a productive use of my time.

Stop copying me.

I've recently just been reading all kinds of random things (including the CIA) in the wikipedia and rotten library.

ANYWAY: Not necessarilly a confession, but something I never shared with the PCF.

Yesterday a large piece of wood fell off the a celing we were working on and landed on my skull. Unfortunately it also had a nail it in it. I managed to fill the bathtub full of blood but I'm ok.

I mean nothing cool happend, I didn't lose my memory or think I was someone else like Fred Flinstone.

All I have is a headache and a small patch of missing hair where they had to cut it off.

quote:

Originally posted by dawnstrider spoiler (highlight to read): I don't show "proper" respect to authority figures simply because they exist as such; my generosity is unlimited, but my respect is something that you have to earn by you action. This sometimes puts me at heads with my teachers and, currently, a boss of mine; I respect her knowledge of things, but I don't like her hypocritical attitude about things, and I let her know as such. Continually. In a subtle way, of course. I have high standards of integrity and honesty, and I hold others to that, too. I don't have a lot of overblown pride, but I do take pride in the fact that I’ve never said anything that I didn't think or believe - whether kind or cruel.

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Good lord, this could be me talking. I am also a firm believer that respect should be earned, not asked for or demanded by default merely because of one's position. For instance, I have next to zero respect for my mom's father being the devout alcoholic he is. I used to get in a lot of trouble whenever my mom or another relative would say "You shouldn't disrespect him! Look at all he has done for us!" I would reply "Respect should be earned, not asked for. And by doing so, not only has my respect for him diminished, but also my respect for you." I'm not a cold or morose person, but I will speak my mind when the time arises. That's not to say I haven't leaned to keep my mouth shut in most situations nowadays, however.

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I can't believe I'm going to be sixteen in September. Also, I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday.

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Yeah, things are going tough between me and Evan. So I decided to keep my promises and make the changes I've laready promised to make. I've found myself really optimistic today, and I vowed to often ask people "what are you thinking" and "what do you want" instead my depressing childing STUPID thoughts. I'm getting back to work. I am getting my drivers license back the day after tomorrow. Today I did some school shopping at the mall, and bless you Hot Topic, they had alot of half off skirts. I LIKE skirts. I like them even more half off. Bought some solid shirts, a new bag, and some fragrance oil and tea candles for one of my favorite lamps. Now my room shall smell like pine, one of my three favorite scents. Whenever he popped in my head, I simply said "stop thinking about it, you've done all you can, now be patient" and..OMG, it worked! I stopped thinking about him. Back to concentrating on just how far you can stretch $100. Also got a black tube bra (YEAH! I broke the straps on 3 this year so I splurged.) and spent the last little bit on a thingy of poprocks and a bottle of soda. Yes....then I went to class, bragged about being way far ahead of schedule, and left early. Wednesday the third, I'm going to talk about birth control options, and anti-depressant options.

Today was a good day, now that I'm thinking positive. I've done all I can about the negative, now I just have to be patient.

[Edit]
I forgot one.

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and, a corset

[Edit]
Grrr...Dad hates me. God forbid I show my legs. But, my stepmother wont care as long as it fits the dress code, and the 'no gothy clothes at church' rule she just invented one morning. -__- My legs look too good to ignore.

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Originally posted by BethMcBeth spoiler (highlight to read): Alrighty so I am back in Oregon and no longer in PA working at Grier I came back a lot earlier than expected. Why because camp this year is freakin nuts I swear the director and a few others have lost their heads and do not care what happens anymore. Disaster #1 Alright I am a horse back riding instructor so I teach kids of various ages and riding ability either how to ride, how to ride better or teach them to train up green horses. Depending upon which group I work with etc. Okay our indoor riding arena is up the hill and away from the barn in order to get there you must walk up there with your horse. During the school and ever since the dawn of time when that thing was built we were never NEVER allowed to ride up there on horseback on the road up the hill unless we went around the long way on the trail through the woods. Okay so these idiots that they hired from London granted I have nothing against them what so ever and I am really not racist its just we had to teach these instructors how we ride English riding in America apparently there are some minor that end up being major ridding differences so we told them to teach the kids the American way to ride since that’s where they are and if they are going to show the will be judged on the American style being mostly Hunter Equitation. Okay so they threw a fit about that but it was alright. Next I caught them riding up the rode on the horses. I told them nicely that we were not allowed to do that because A.) We are not allowed to ride on the road. B.) Our horses do not have the proper shoes and do not have road studs that allow them not to slip on the road. We don’t use those shoes because we do not ride on the road. C.) I along with two other returning staff was put in charge while the Ridding Director was away. D.) I have not only been working at the camp the longest but also at the school my years of work there are now 5 so our Ridding Director basically said that what I say goes. Okay so yes them refused to listen to me I asked them nicely to just hop of the horses and walk them up the road or if they wanted to ride they could walk over to the trail and then remount well they did not listen. I told then the horses don’t have the right shoes and the hill is slippery. The London instructors claimed that they always ride at home on the road. I understand that’s how it works there but our horse doesn’t have the right shoes and our riding Director said not to ride on the road. They refused to listen and took off trotting up the road. One of the older horses started to act up he refused to trot up the road (this horse knows his job and when campers do things they aren’t suppose to like trot or canter when they are not allowed he slowly stops and just walks has a good old guy really.) Well the instructor on him was angry and started hitting the horse because he refused to run she wouldn’t stop hitting him I ran up the road after them and told her not hit him hes right she’s wrong well that was too much she hit him hard enough that the horse lost his footing and slipped down the hill on his belly and slid all the way down knocking off the riding instructor on him and taking down two other horses and riders. The horse was bleeding majorly. He had torn the entire flesh off from his chest down to his hoof on one leg and the blood was just gushing everywhere and had other large cuts and scrapes. Alright I had someone take care of the kids and campers while we got the horse to the barn and applied pressure to the wound while calling the vet. It ended up this poor horse had to get over 50 stitches is out of work for over 3 months and must remain in the stall and can not go out and is on like 60 cc’s of various antibiotics which the poor horse ended up being allergic too. The head riding director was furious but understood that maybe it was a mistake and made it clear to all riding instructors that we were not allowed to ride on the road period and that I was instructed with a few others to give the injured horse his injections twice a day. Disaster #2 Okay so it is clear that we are not allowed to ride on the road PERIOD. Well I guess no does not mean no to those instructors. Two days later I caught them riding on the road and asked them kindly to dismount and walk their horses. They calmed that I had no right to ask them to do that. I asked them kindly saying that this is what our Riding Director asked of me to do and if the would please dismount and walk the horse. Well the told are to go F off and took off running up the road. Can we say “RE-peat” of two days ago? Another horse slipped down the hill luckily he was not injured no one was harmed badly and the horse just walked away with being little sore. Our riding director was furious screaming at us how we were not allowed to ride up the road and what where we thinking I and the other returning instructors claimed that we had asked them to dismount and even some campers who heard us say that told our Riding Director as well. Okay so the Director came to the conclusion to punish us all that we as in the instructors are not allowed to ride any of the horses period and if a horse in any of our lessons acts up we are just to have the kid get off that horse one of the instructors would take it back to the barn put it in stall and replace that hot horse with a much calmer one. No big deal that’s fine I understand what the Director means by that. I'll finsih the rest of this later I am sorry... -Beth

Geez, it is apparent that this camp lacks true management, competent staff (due to the lack of proper screening) and ill-equipped horses. It is a shame to have to work in such an environment.

As for me....

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I am excited and terrified of the Alaska trip with Beth's parents. I know they already said it was cool, but I feel nervous about formally asking for Beth's hand in marriage. Also, sometimes I feel as if I am taking advantage of their generousity. I mean, family isn't as affluent or as well-off as her's. In fact, I am a bit intimidated by them. The only thing I have to offer to them is my intelligence and my good intentions. Sometimes I feel like mold around them.

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Damn dirty Brits! How DARE they do that? Even with all the instructions?! And after what happened to that horse? Now, I'm don't really care about animals, but DUDETTE WTF WERE THEY THINKING?!!?!1/1/1oneslash I hope things turn out for you Beth. I really do.

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PS:Tony. You'll do fine man. Just keep your cool, and I'm sure things will work out for the best.

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Now for my confession: I realized I am somewhat sadistic and apathetic. I have comed to terms with this. But fact of the matter is...I can't give a flying f*** about my paternal family. Even my grandmother and cousins. Thankfully this does not apply to my maternal family, who has always treated me much more kindly than my own parents. As you've probably seen me say somewhere else, I bare a frightening trait with the character Willy Wonka, albeit that is a much more exaggerated version. My mentality is without a doubt corrupted. Blame years of teasing and repressed emotions. I've had 2 nervous breakdowns so far. One happened when I was 9 and could not take the sh** in my life anymore, so I just let go and cried. The other happened earlier this year in January about a week after the move. Life was hell in my relatives house, and I hate their kids. Anyway, I doing ok until something happened that threw me off the edge. The little bitch-infant that they have grabbed one of my Big O dvd's and wrote all over it with PERMANENT MARKER. After I cried and fell into despair, my upper functions started coming into play. I reasoned I could now get the complete connection and the last disc I was missing. After I finished my crying, I think it was there that any emotion I had left had dissapated. Then my parents cleaned the disc somehow...and my spirits were somewhat lifted. Then life continued there until we left. I hate going back there. And now my senses go funky at night. I start hallucinating about the shapes the shadows make and hearing strange things like footsteps and movement. Dolls are frightening to me, even though fear is an emotion I am normally devoid of in its entirety. China Dolls, for all their "beauty" induce a accute sense of dread and are the closest thing you can use to induce paralysis in my without physical harm. I think Child's Play has seriously scarred me... Hope I havent bored you.

To Tony: No worries MY father the actual cool Parental Unit adores you and loves having conversations with you.
The "mother" Parential Unit loves you alot too I mean she wouldn't say hi to me when I showd up but ran past me and hugged you that thing does not even hug me besdies your the son she awlasy wanted! So all is well and besdies they a;ready said that you had to take me so there! ^_^""

D-Boy: Sorry about the syblings destroying things mine do that all the time heck my litttle sister has my room at home now my parental units threw my stuff in storage or got rid of it who knows but its okay. Once my syblings decided to pull out all of the film tape in my Magic Knight Rayearth series yeah...so I know what you mean its fine to hate them.

Alrighty part 2 of the camp garbage:

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Disaster # 3 Our riding director called me one day during our week of not being allowed to ride, screaming that she had heard rumors of campers and instructors jumping over 2ft 6in. Okay so I was asked to watch the other lessons being the London riding instructors and see if they were jumping higher then what our Riding director had set the jumps at. We are not allowed to jump much higher than that with the campers because: A.) The kids are not capable of jumping that high. B.) We try to jump the horses every other day so they do not become too stressed. C.) Most of the older horses that some of the smaller kids ride can not jump those heights anymore. D.) Our riding director is the one who set up the fences and needs to be there to evaluate if the kid and horse are capable of heights like that etc etc. Well as one would expect they were jumping well over the height they were jumping 3ft 6in and the horses were not only getting stiff kids were getting injured and some of our horses were going lame as well. I asked the instructors of that lesson to quit the jumping and that they needed to lower the fences. They refused to lower the fences so I said I will do it myself then. Our riding Director told me to do this if needed. She thought that maybe these instructors being used to the metric system might not understand the height differences in inches and feet so I changed the fences they got furious and one of the instructors ran over to me and punched me. (She’s really a wuss so if anything maybe she “smacked me”) I asked her to not do that and to not jump the horses any higher then the height I set the fences at which was 2 ft 3in so that Polka Dots this one horse would not get too excited since he was fired up as it was this horse he loves jumping the jumps extra high so he gets really hot and then likes to jump out of the arena and run away with kids so I told the instructors just watch out with him and keep him cool i.e. make him be used for more flat work mostly trotting to cool his hot head. Disaster #4 I guess I am just too stupid and I must be talking to a brick wall. Polka Dots jumped out of the riding ring with a kid on his back and took off at a full gallop dragging a kid half way back to the barn. So now since the kid already had back problems and rides in a safety vest and is not allowed to jump higher than 2ft 3in due to medical reasons is lying on the ground not moving. WE had to call an ambulance and she was rushed off the hospital. Lucky the kid was alright later but Polka Dots well that horse is going to get kicked out of camp now thanks to those instructors. Once again our riding Director is furious with yet another thing that these people have done. The barn is a mess and things are crazy. I have kids and campers running up to me everyday crying how much they hate camp and wish they had not come back this year. I have the two riding instructors form London harassing me i.e. throwing things at me or making something “accidentally” happen i.e. spray me with the hose a bail of hail is thrown down at me stupid crap like that. Also due to the lack of staff that works this year we had over 3 people already fired (I just wished that they had fired these other instructors) so there fore besides being a riding instructor I must also bay sit the campers at evening program at night my work hours went from 7am to 5pm to 6am to 1am due to night duty and evening activity and having to put kids to bed. I am not getting a raise. I gave up much of what little life I had PCF I barely talked to Tony at night I am tired I am not sleeping I am so sick it was too much I left. I quit my job there and told them I had to leave because it was not working out. Our riding director was sad but she understood she said if anything I deserved to leave (The riding director and I go way back even before I got her the job at Grier) so she understood. The horse Polka Dots is a good horse he was abused before we got him at school 2 years ago I worked with him so he could be ride able again and he’s gotten much more friendly as long as you take things slow don’t push him and don’t jump him too high. I got word after I left that he did his take off jump out of the ring drag the kid and run away thing. They are unable to use the horse more for camp so he is fired after camp ends in August the horse if lucky will get sent out to this one guy who just throws them out on pasture if he’s lucky other wise eh will go to who ever wants him or who will ever put up with him or to the meat house. It makes me sad I have no idea why things were so crazy this year the way they screened people for staff was baize this year and insane. I am trying not to be so sad I practically lived and love Grier for the 5 years its just insane so now I am home back with Tony the poor guy he said I looked like a wreck when I came back. I am trying to keep myself busy and I still talk with the riding director to see how things are it hasn’t gotten any better and she’s not sure of Polka Dots fate either. Sorry it just saddens me that my beloeved boarding school the best home I ever had for like 5 years has just been gone and turned upside downs. And I feel even worse for the horse I mean to get possibley sent to meat market thats just low he can jump 4 ft and do jumpers and cross country hes amazing! -Beth

Beth: I'm sorry all that happened to you. However, it sounds like the director needs a backbone. Sounds to me like she was having you do the dirty work. If those are the rules then those should have been made clear to the visiting instructors. Who hired these people anyway? Even if it wasn't her, it sounds like she's the boss. She made you the heavy and you took the abuse. Really unfair.

As for me:

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I'm really happy and nervous about my husband coming home tonight. I had grand thoughts of everything getting cleaned up around here before he came back. He's been gone for two weeks and the place may be worse off than it was. We've spent so much time visiting with the grandparents and cousins we've been home long enough to make the mess but not to clean it up.

Speaking of the visitors:

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My husband's sister and her kids are visiting from England. I like my neice and nephew. They are polite and kind and my kids get along VERY well with them. It's the sister in law I'm having trouble with. When I tell her about my husbands trip, and the possibility that he would've had to stay longer, she said "that's against the law" Oh? The whole concept that he might have to stay until the work is done is now foreign to her. She's a US citizen but has lived in England for so long that she has no clue. I can't stand how she complains about things here and says how great things are there. Well whoopty flippin do! She complained last night about how small my in laws garbage can was. Geez, it works for the two people it ususally has to deal with. But when you have 5-8 people there for a few days, it's different. My neice was doing a drawing based on a photograph. When my sister in law saw it, the first thing she did was say how the shoulders were out of proportion. " Oh, she just can't do faces"...Excuse me? Where is the motherly encouragement? Yes, my neice is 14, but I thought you still needed to say something positive first....then talk about what needs improvement. I really really am having a problem dealing with this woman. At least BabyGhia knows what I'm talking about **sigh** Oh, she also implied that I have no idea what it is like to be a working mom. Excuse me? I did it for 3.5 years. I stayed home after my son was born. She questioned women who work full time and hire nanny's and au pairs and never see their kids. EXCUSE ME??? She had a nanny and has an au pair now! She is a consultant and spends a great deal of time away from the kids. But at the same time, she says she has her position now so that she can spend time with the kids. Does this confuse others as much as me????

Beth: That sounds horrible. I really don't blame you for leaving early.

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Originally posted by Madrona Speaking of the visitors: spoiler (highlight to read): My husband's sister and her kids are visiting from England. I like my neice and nephew. They are polite and kind and my kids get along VERY well with them. It's the sister in law I'm having trouble with. When I tell her about my husbands trip, and the possibility that he would've had to stay longer, she said "that's against the law" Oh? The whole concept that he might have to stay until the work is done is now foreign to her. She's a US citizen but has lived in England for so long that she has no clue. I can't stand how she complains about things here and says how great things are there. Well whoopty flippin do! She complained last night about how small my in laws garbage can was. Geez, it works for the two people it ususally has to deal with. But when you have 5-8 people there for a few days, it's different. My neice was doing a drawing based on a photograph. When my sister in law saw it, the first thing she did was say how the shoulders were out of proportion. " Oh, she just can't do faces"...Excuse me? Where is the motherly encouragement? Yes, my neice is 14, but I thought you still needed to say something positive first....then talk about what needs improvement. I really really am having a problem dealing with this woman. At least BabyGhia knows what I'm talking about **sigh** Oh, she also implied that I have no idea what it is like to be a working mom. Excuse me? I did it for 3.5 years. I stayed home after my son was born. She questioned women who work full time and hire nanny's and au pairs and never see their kids. EXCUSE ME??? She had a nanny and has an au pair now! She is a consultant and spends a great deal of time away from the kids. But at the same time, she says she has her position now so that she can spend time with the kids. Does this confuse others as much as me????

No, I really don't think she was really listening to you. She wanted to tell her opinion and that's it. It was like you were talking to a brick wall. And I thought your niece was doing a great illustration of her brother. Oh well.

My confession...

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I haven't had a lot of work these last couple of weeks and it looks like it might be awhile until I have some steady work. I need to be better with my money if I don't have that much work next month.

Addition...

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I was going to mention that I haven't been getting a lot of sleep recently. Staying up too late, waking up early(ish), etc. That I really need a day to sleep in. Well, it isn't going to happen tomorrow either. My parents are going to see 6 Tall Ships sail under the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow. Sounds like a photo op I can't miss. *sigh* At least I'll have some potential cool photos to share.

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Originally posted by Bleedthrough quote: Originally posted by Zopwx2 spoiler (highlight to read): I've literally WASTED my entire summer vacation doing absolutely nothing productive. College is going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the face soon..... The summer before your first year in college is meant to screw around with. If it means constantly going on YTMND.com and telling everyone and their cousin about it, then so be it. At least you'll (hopefully) do well in the fall.

Enter, my freshman year:

MATH 2A (calculus)
PHYSICS 7A
PHYSICS 7LA (lab)
CHEMISTRY 1A
INTRO TO BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERING

I feel so very alone.

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It did end...Evan I mean. Tony and Beth, AND Tim, all say I did nothing wrong, but their the ones who are wrong. I've began to make some great changes in my life, in how I think, and how I act upon what I hear, and I'm going to seriously listen instead of just hear things. I'm gonna learn to be patient and not act upon every little dream I have. My brain works differently and it affects life, and now I'm gonna have to learn to control it. I wish I would have learned this sooner, now that it's cost me something so dear. Evan says it wont last a month, and everyone else seems to think that just because I think different I'm incapable of making mistakes. After hearing everyone say I'm not at fault and he is, I have half as much hope of repairing the damage. No one is supporting me on trying to change. I think it will be very...very.........very.....................very hard, and very lonely, but I wont give up. Man, I f***ed up big.

I just found out my sister is a pothead. Last night she, her friend, my friend, and I went to the movies. Afterwards, she was being a real bitch and didn't know where she should go. She kept saying she couldn't go anywhere because of "the young'ns" (me and my friend). She got a phone call that she said was from a friend and she was scared that he was in trouble. She and her friend talked for a minute and then we got in the car and drove to this place my sister and her friend called "Alley Cat" (it was an alley behind a barbershop called "Alley Cuts"...) where a bunch of kids were haning out. Some were smoking, but I didn't see any joints so no alarms were realy raised. My sister and her friend said they were going to check out for their friend but ended up just talking with a bunch of people. We left eventually. Then, today, she posts a blog on MySpace that says she and her friend went to "Alley Cat" to "get high" but none of their "friends" had any weed. She also refers to my friend as my "stupid ass friend". Since none of her "friends" had any weed, they came home and she "found her pipe and smoked it up". I was enraged when I read this. I couldn't believe how blind I had been the night before. I was further angered by the fact that she doesn't seem to think I can read her MySpace. I ran into her room, tore all her drawers out, and found the pipe. I ran outside and threw it as hard as I could at a rock and watched as it was dashed to bits. She hasn't gotten back from work today (what next? A blog saying she just gets baked behind the drug store she works at when she takes breaks?), but I'm waiting to see how she reacts to her lost pipe. It only infuriates me more that she dumped her boyfriend because he did marijuana. I can't believe it at all. I've lost all faith in her.

This ones...yeah, I'm none too pleased with how tonight went. Spoiler tags omitted so anyone who wants to take issue with me can do so more easily. I have a feeling this..won't go over terribly well, and I'm completely prepared for any backlash it generates.

Frankly, it would be cathartic.

I killed a bat, about an hour ago. Not killed as in...sought out a bat, and killed it. It was more sudden, more unexpected, not quite an accident but still unintentional.

Heres the general story leading up to it, for some context.

Since around...oh...earlier this year, maybe even into late winter of 2004. A bird had periodically gotten into my house. I'd shood it out, no problem right.

It came back last night, around 3 am. Jarred me from my half-sleep, and I immidiately went to get the broom. Then I saw it, or rather, I saw what it didn't have. A beak. It was dark brown, and didn't have a beak.

Chalking it up to me not really being fully concious, I just assumed it was flying too fast, I was looking into the flourescent light, any excuse I could think of. As the last thing I wanted to admit, what with having three days before college starts and the expected amount of anxiousness that brings, was there was a potentially rabid creature with wings doing circles in my living room.

I eventually steer it towards the back, near an open door. And lose sight of it...so I begin tapping at the curtains with a broom. At this point it becomes obvious it's not a bird, a bird will not crawl up over a curtain rod and remain there.

Around this time, I cut my losses, and spent the night sleeping on the hardwood floor downstairs. Where I was sure it couldn't follow.

Today, nothing happens. All windows are locked, the house is checked, the only possible entry point (an old fan/vent type device in the kitchen, which leads to the outside overhanging porch) is taped and covered securely. I'm feeling better, it's over.

Then around 8, I come back home after going to get a pizza. There it is. Sitting in a corner, at the top of the stairs. I don't even bother, I just wait downstairs until my parents get back. I've handled this about three times now, and I just can't anymore.

Without going into the entire procedure of trying to shoo it out, which involved a canvas tarp, trying to spook it into motion by spraying something at it, and the ever present broom to coax it towards a door. It wasn't startled out, it was dead before it even hit the ground courtesy of the spray.

It's final resting place is a shop vac. The entire experience has left me spent, paranoid (if I glance to the side, I swear I can see shapes flittering past), my throat is completely hoarse from the receeding adrenaline. I'm halfway between wanting to just pass out in the midst of typing this, and not even blinking until the sun comes up. And if you're wondering about the pizza...my appetite was the first thing to go.

I apologize if I didn't really tell this anecdote well..I'm not really in the most articulate state of mind right now.

Anyway, there you go. If this sounds horrible to you..in my defense, it was never my goal to kill the bat. I'm not at all pleased with this. Trust me, I'm not..the only consolation I take at all is that my reaction was motivated by adrenaline. If I'd been able to just shoo it off on its merry way, and never cross paths with it again, I'd have absolutely done so in a heartbeat.

Oh right...apparently in Russia, bats are traditionally thought of as good luck. Perhaps I've just broken a flying mirror of sorts.