The Paradigm Confessional Thread

1st off I wasn't flamin him. I did not curse him I did not insult him. I told him

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that worse things have happened and that he's probably trying to get attention from this event.

Besides it was contained in only a couple posts...the only person really making a big deal about it is you Seraphim So stop getting us off topic!!! @_@

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Though I may not show it, I am dreadfully worried about college. I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one, or picking the wrong class. I'm even afraid of what my roommate will be like o_o;; ...that is if I choose to live on campus. College is scarey to me because it would be the first time I would actually be far away from home for an extended period of time. I really am afraid that I'm not ready for it.

stay on topic seraphim.

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non of you were even cloes to as tanked as i was sat. night.

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Originally posted by evanASF27 spoiler (highlight to read): Though I may not show it, I am dreadfully worried about college. I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one, or picking the wrong class. I'm even afraid of what my roommate will be like o_o;; ...that is if I choose to live on campus. College is scarey to me because it would be the first time I would actually be far away from home for an extended period of time. I really am afraid that I'm not ready for it.

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Well.. I chose to stay close to home for college. My school is in the same city, and I'm able to continue living with my parents and school is only twenty minutes away. There are ups and downs for this, the ups being: Free room and board (though I do give them money for bills and buy my own food/other necessities), mom still cooks dinner.. On the other hand.. I freaking live with my parents and I'm going to be 21 in a month. So, I guess my point is, whether you think you're ready for it or not, go for it. I wish I had bothered to try and get into a school away from home.. granted, I couldn't afford any of the ones I wanted to go to, and the one art school I DID apply to rejected me.. but still. If I could've gotten away from home, I would have. Sigh. Oh well, there's always grad school. And I guess that kind of flows into my confession.. I'm getting sick of school. I'm sick of not being able to afford it, sick of having to work 30 hours a week just to help my parents pay the bills because they're barely making ends meet, sick of the spoiled rich kids at school who are all too happy to fling it in your face that you can't afford it and they can, and they don't have to work and go out and party all weekend and get sloshed.. I'm sick of it. I hate the way snotty customers look at me at work, like I'm not worth their time or respect. I'm sick of customers being rude to me because they think I should have to put up with anything just because they have a lot of money. I'm sick of not having time for anything, I'm sick of being too tired on the few days I DO get off of work to go out with my friends, I'm sick of being alone because all my friends got smart and left home for school and I'm stuck here, I'm sick of.. a lot of stuff. I feel like my head's going to explode. I'm scared that I won't graduate soon enough, scared that I won't find a job, scared that I won't be able to support myself, scared that I'll end up penniless in a gutter somewhere and no one will care. I'm not sick of my life. I don't want to kill myself or anything. I'm just.. not happy at all. I put up a front for my family. They think I'm fine with being alone and having no friends here. I tend to be very sarcastic and standoffish at school toward other people. I'm lonely and wish I had friends, but I push away anyone who tries to talk to me or befriend me because I don't trust anyone. I judge people based on their appearance and then feel bad when they turn out to be nice people. I'm really a nice person myself, but other people think that because I'm quiet I'm stuck up, or mean. I say sarcastic things and no one wants to talk to me. I don't know what to do. Just suck it up and keep going the way I have been? It's gotten me through two years of college already. It's not like I come home crying every day or anything.. I just feel very empty.

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Originally posted by susan spoiler (highlight to read): non of you were even cloes to as tanked as i was sat. night.

If this is a competition, then I'm in

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I once had a joint and 8 shots of JD. All within an hour. Beat that! (I'm really not proud of it )

Edits are in bold.

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Originally posted by evanASF27 spoiler (highlight to read): Though I may not show it, I am dreadfully worried about college. I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one, or picking the wrong class. I'm even afraid of what my roommate will be like o_o;; ...that is if I choose to live on campus. College is scarey to me because it would be the first time I would actually be far away from home for an extended period of time. I really am afraid that I'm not ready for it.

You and me both. God Almighty, I am so ignorant of colleges. I just found out today whats the difference between getting a degree at a community college and a University.

Then I found out about Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree.

I am more worried about screwing up, picking some crap college, and never doing what I want to in life. It's probably silly, but still.

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Tifaria: You sound so much like the real me offline that it's scary. Seriously. As for college choices, my good shaved Emu herder, my suggestion would be to narrow down exactly what you want to be/major in first. Once you have that down, you can find the best university with that "college" (Universities are broken down into Colleges, in case you weren't aware. For example, I go to the University of Central Florida and I'm in the College of Business Administration. There's also various arts, sciences, education, and other areas you could major in. Don't let the choices overwhelm you, though. Just figure out what you want to do and then figure out which suits your needs best.

Oh, and if you guys don't stop the fighting in this thread, I'll have to send in my vast Samurai Ewok Army!!! Yes, you should be cowering in ph34r!

Only Reminder:

Please keep this thread on topic. Confessions are pretty much all we need to have in this thread. It will be locked if the semi-offtopicness and spam keeps up. Sorry.

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i do not have chemecal weapons

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i secretly want you all dead

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i am obsessed with evil stuff and hate all humans

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Originally posted by R.Jesse spoiler (highlight to read): i do not have chemecal weapons spoiler (highlight to read): i secretly want you all dead spoiler (highlight to read): i am obsessed with evil stuff and hate all humans

Um....not to play the ogre here, but....the post above you clearly stated that this thread is for confessions only....

As funny as a lot of these statements are ....there's a place for everything. If a lot of you guys want to start a funny "joke" version of this thread, then it might be good to start one in the Bar Subforum, where you can have all the fun you want . But not here, please .

Peace.

PS: Glad to hear that at least you are devoid of chemical weapons, R. Jesse .

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Originally posted by GAT-X105 spoiler (highlight to read): I feel...almost exactly the same as what Tifaria said in her post. The biggest thing I've learned in college so far is that it sucks to be shy and not like to drink.

That's the absolute truth.

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I don't drink, smoke or do drugs.

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I hate night clubs and bars.

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I do like to go to pool halls, but only to hussle.

We need alot more pool halls in this world, they've got a good atmosphere.

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In a bizzare act, I have now written TWO editorials for my school paper. One supporting Bush, the other supporting Kerry. Turns out the person writing the Kerry one wanted to switch for another article I was doing. And I apparently function well as a political switch hitter. Amusingly enough, the byline on the article will go to print as my "alter-ego" as things stand right now.

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Originally posted by Hienrich Ele quote: Originally posted by evanASF27 spoiler (highlight to read): Though I may not show it, I am dreadfully worried about college. I'm afraid of choosing the wrong one, or picking the wrong class. I'm even afraid of what my roommate will be like o_o;; ...that is if I choose to live on campus. College is scarey to me because it would be the first time I would actually be far away from home for an extended period of time. I really am afraid that I'm not ready for it. You and me both. God Almighty, I am so ignorant of colleges. I just found out today whats the difference between getting a degree at a community college and a University. Then I found out about Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree. I am more worried about screwing up, picking some crap college, and never doing what I want to in life. It's probably silly, but still.

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Being far from home is not so bad. Homesickness is normal for most people, but you get over it with homework, studying, exploring the city, and the new people u'll meet. If you ever get to go away from home, i'm sure u'll do just fine As for picking wrong classes, if u don't like them, u can always drop it after a certain amount of weeks without pay. If you don't like the roommate, u can always move out and request to live in another dorm. What do you want to do Heinrich Ele? Whatever it is, make sure your major is, or is similar to, your career aspirations. if you don't like it, you can change it. Man i sound like a pamphlet but i hope this was helpful

Now for my confession:

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I tend to daydream a lot, and it's not helping improve my attention span

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I have recently taken on the job of negotiator. The irony is I'm probably one of the least reasonable people I know. I am doing it to maintain a friendship that is more important to me than anything. Yes, ANYTHING! **sigh** But at this point, it is no longer up to me. They have to come to terms.

Madrona

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Some of you might remember me saying something about talking things out and not letting them fester... why didn't I take my own advice? I had but some things ended up not getting resolved and festered. Festered badly. I haven't talked to one of my best friends for almost a week.

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I haven't talked it all out yet but I will soon. Possibly tonight. I have to thank a good friend of mine for basically just telling me to swallow my pride and talk it out. Thank you! I owe you big time. But you might just be happy that two of your friends are talking again, right? That might be enough? Maybe you should get even days for a month?

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I can be very stubborn. I mean, VERY stubborn. It's hard to talk me out of it sometimes.

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I'm one of those people who like to get something over with instead of letting it hang around for a couple of days. I rather not lose my nerve to do something.

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One major trust issue is my lack of self-trust. I sometime think I am unqualified to make good decisions for my life (especially during "crunch time").

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I have an open-door policy on my personal information. However, there are rules I have the protect me from getting too close. I can't post them here, since the details of these rules entails loop-holes which can lead to distructive results.

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After a week of uncertainty, I have regained one of my closest friends. Thanks to our mutual friend and negotiator. We have come to terms...

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Lastly, I am convinced that I have found a person who I am in love with. I thought it wasn't possible for me to love another, due to my trust issues. However, my trust issues and road blocks are being dismantled by her and my friends.

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Originally posted by Tony spoiler (highlight to read): One major trust issue is my lack of self-trust. I sometime think I am unqualified to make good decisions for my life (especially during "crunch time"). spoiler (highlight to read): I have an open-door policy on my personal information. However, there are rules I have the protect me from getting too close. I can't post them here, since the details of these rules entails loop-holes which can lead to distructive results. spoiler (highlight to read): After a week of uncertainty, I have regained one of my closest friends. Thanks to our mutual friend and negotiator. We have come to terms... spoiler (highlight to read): Lastly, I am convinced that I have found a person who I am in love with. I thought it wasn't possible for me to love another, due to my trust issues. However, my trust issues and road blocks are being dismantled by her and my friends.

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My love, you poor thing, I wish I was there with you so that I could be able to comfort you. The road is long hard and bumpy but you will make it my love. You will and I will be there to help you in any way possible. I trust you and believe in you so much. I never thought I could feel like this, you too have broken through so many barries of mine. In all of the good ways that were ever physcially, mentally and emotionally possible. Everything that I try and have tried to do to keep you out only made us grow stronger. Which to me is still a shocker but I don't care anymore. I want to trust you and I do! I do! If I had a choice I would do it over and over again forever as an endless cycle, just to stay like this with you. Everday a little bit more of me that has died and ben burried away from years ago wakes up with you within me and out it seeps. But never in pain my love, it comes out in joy! A joy I have never ever felt before in my life and my god I would never change it for the world, never.

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My trust barriers are what are have with myself, my past, my presesnt, the uncertainy of what the future may bring me. The life of my past it haunts me,even to this day and I have not lived at home now for over 4 years and I have not even seen my parents really for over a year or so now. I know that one is suspose to give and forget and move on, but after so many years of living at home and with my mother, it has made me bitter and torn. And trustless. I try to still love her but I can't. I just can't, it pains me to say it but its true. I don't think I can ever fully forgive her for what and how she has made me feel now. She wrecked my world and took my dreams and tore them into pieces. I'll be brief on this, thus she killed me, she made me fear the world and myself for who I was and what I could be one day. I know that you should never listen to what someone says if you don't agree with them but after hearing it so often and I still do it pains me so much, for I feel that maybe she is and could be correct. But I know shes wrong! Shes wrong!! I can do anything that I wish of!! And I will slowly and surely I am rebuilding myself, and getting ready to brake free completely. To be me and lead my life the way I want to reguardless of what or how she feels and says.

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I have nightmares alot...at night. Or when ever I sleep even when I take a nap during the day, or even when I am sick. I have not had a complete full nights sleep in years. My average amount of sleeping hours is 1-2 at the worse of times, but mostly on average I get at least 3-5 hours of sleep. It is slowly getting better, I manged to get 6 hrs now and yes I not only have started to talk about them, something that I have never ever even mentioned to anyone but just recently. And I am talking about them to someone who can really help so thats what counts. Ever since I could remember my dreams and sleep is filled with this pain. My nightmares, they always soley lead back to one of two things, my mother and death.

Congratulations, Beth and Tony

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Ah, love. I'll make my own little post about it; since I recently fell in love, I've changed a good deal. I'm no longer able to speak with my friends in person since I have just moved (and am still adjusting to my new environment) but over AIM and on the phone, a few have made note of the fact that I am very different. The "new me" is almost the very opposite of the person I was; I'm relatively hyper (believe it or not, I'm usually calm), I cry over most everything (I'm an emotional softie now; friends have taken note of that as well, and that is the complete opposite of the person I was in all respects), and worst of all I'm even less able to concentrate on my studies. Yeah, love changes you. If I seem dramatic, my apologies...I really do hate melodrama myself. Here's the clincher, and the very fact about love I've just recently noticed...it's not "fun" (far too serious to be fun) but it is worth a good deal of sacrifice. Besides, the girl I love deserves far more than I could ever give her.

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Bout the lack of concentration: I oughta go into detail about that one. I've been in college a month and have been more irresponsible and wasted more of my time than I deemed possible. With the support of my friends, including more than enough from the object of my affections (dare I call her an "object?") I have only today realized that I must work harder. Hopefully I haven't completely screwed up my chances to score a couple "A's" at the end of the year. However far behind I am in school, and however much work needs to be done, I'm willing to go through with it...love may have been a factor but it's not fair to use that as a scapegoat. It's my own damn fault, and what I really need to do is kick myself in the ass and take some amount of responsibility. After all, this is my freshman year of college.

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Oh yeah, one more thing to add (how could I forget?): I once intentionally set off a fire alarm in my old high school. Evaccuated the library and such, 'twas great. They never did catch me, though...and uh...I wouldn't do that sort of thing now >_>