[Fan Fiction] second and third parts up

Trotsky 08-23-2003 09:23 PM
well the second and third parts are up. and a note by me ^u^

what did you think... any critisum good or bad would help.

thanks to shredder for getting this up befor i leave. it gives me a warm feeling inside to have it up... no wait maby i have worms...
but thanks man!!

*note* instead of starting a new thread i just re used the old one i made...
Trotsky 08-24-2003 10:50 PM
well i did have the start of the second part hear. but to help save space, i just deleated it...

so go read the second part to see what was hear befor.
Shredder 08-30-2003 02:15 AM
I like the second part, it sheds a little more light on the mystery of Getall, but doesn't give away too much, too fast. Good work.

A few points on grammar- try to keep the entire fic in the same tense. You almost had the entire story in present tense, but then I caught a few instances that a character "said" something instead of "says" it. Also, if it's clear who's speaking, you don't always need a "someone says" after a character speaks. Here's just an example of what I mean (paraphrased from episode 4):

"Are you Michael Seebach?" Roger shouts, glaring up at the dark figure on the rooftop.
"Michael Seebach has vanished from this world!"
"Okay, what name do you go by then?"
"For the time being, you can call me Schwarzwald." The figure is slowly becoming more defined as the smoke begins to clear.
"Black Forest?" Now Roger is very confused... etc etc

This works well for two person conversations when you already make clear who is speaking. Nothing you have to use all the time, but just something to think about if you feel you're getting repetitive. Otherwise, good story, very unique. I'm looking forward to seeing what will happen next. Smile )
Shaoblane 08-31-2003 01:57 AM
WhAt ArE yOu TaLkInG aBoUt!!!!!!

That was fantastic! Don't change nuttin!
Trotsky 08-31-2003 01:59 AM
Reely??? did you read my first part in the fan fics section??? if so what did you think??
Shaoblane 08-31-2003 02:03 AM
I haven't, but I'll read it as soon as I finish with the roleplay. I just got a PM saying its time to wake Roger.
Trotsky 08-31-2003 02:05 AM
Like i said befor "past tence Pleased " any critisum would be helpful.
Sentora 08-31-2003 01:41 PM
I had read the first chapter a few days ago, and scatterbrained moron I am I thought I sent my comment already...

I'm enjoying the story so far, the shower remark dorothy made to Getall was classic, and his personality bounces off our favorite pair well. I'm looking forward to seeing more the mystery behind his orgin and powers, cause he makes me think of a minideus Tongue

I wouldn't suggest changing much, you got some orginal concepts in the way you handle Gestal's abilites and the story moves at a good pace. You even dropped a nice little teaser for later when the thug said about coming back for 'this dorothy' that will definitely have me coming back Tongue

Can't wait for the completed second part!
pen1300 08-31-2003 04:50 PM
I suggest e-mail it to the people who are interested in a copy of the story (or part), if that isn't too much of a problem for you.

If it is, post it in snippits with cliffhangers so people have to beg you for the next part. Or post a part, ask for comments, give it a day, then post the next.

Do wait a little before you go off to post the rest of it, please.

My comment, the snippet here looks good, but as posted before, keep it in the same tense, either past or present. (Said is past, says is present.)

Thanks,
Pen1300
Trotsky 09-21-2003 01:57 AM
ok now that the last two parts are up, probley no one has read them yet... but when you do any feed back good or bad is welcome. well bad as long as it's constructive...