Family Guy quotes

"FOR EVERY SPRINKLE I FIND, I SHALL KILL YOU!"

excuse me big-o, but instead of HUMILIATING me by putting a link to the warning thread in which i am the only one on it, why dont you just state: do not, i repeate do not talk to re-animate under any circumstances

i would much rather do it myself

Well, here is a BIG post full of Family Guy gags I've been gathering up to get down. Well, enjoy... I'll try to post more gags later...


Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa--...ohwow! I almost walked into that one!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Riding a circus elephant
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white man threatened by change!

Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: C'mon, Lois. Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Brian: Hey, barkeep. Who's leg do you haveta hump to get a dry martini around here?

Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! This is so good, it HAS to be fattening!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, brocolli!

Brian: Ah, if my memory serves me right, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOOO"!
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so God help you?
Peter Griffin: I swear...you bastard.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying your fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?

Chris Griffin: Do you see that hottie up in my Kool-Aid? I was gonna give her a little something-something, but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Peter Griffin:Satan words!
Peter grabs a bottle of Holy Water.
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compells you! The power of Christ compells you!
Chris screams

Meg Griffin: You can kill all the girls that are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.

Chinese girl: Stewie, come complete our rainbow!
Stewie Griffin: I have a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink"!

Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis", "Agent Buckwalk", and "Snake". Yes, I rather like "Snake". Snake Griffin
Stewie hisses to himself

Peter Griffin: I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable. but this is grown-up time and I'm the man!

Cult Leader: Are you a confused aolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

The Jetsons Parody (after George was with walking the dog on the dog walker
Jane: Oh my God, George!
George: Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Dad, are you--
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy: But dad--
George: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Begins to argue with Jane
George: For fourty-five minutes, I was out there. I know that because my damn watch is broken!
Jane: George, I'm sorry!
George: Oh, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry". I could've been killed!

Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer. It goes straight through you!
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful, and while we're at it, why don't we light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Uh...yeah...!

Brian has just peed on the supermarket floor.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

Peter talking to his handicapped neighbor, Joe
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are, and since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theartical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. omnipotence! Gotta get me some of that!

Peter Griffin: So what happened to that guy who stole your money?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I fell on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you've got some more competition coming up on next year's Special People's [olympic] Games. HehHehHehHehHeh!
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.

Geez, did all of you completely forget Family Guy existed? Nobody's posting any more jokes!



Chris: If I ever go back to Quahog, it's just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

From the 2003 VMA pre-show.


('The Real Slim Shady' playing in the background)
Stewie: I say. Eminem and 50 Cent wouldn't know a proper lyric if it crawled up their asses and brought them to orgasm through prostate stimulation. Here's a grammatical curiosity from 50 Cent's Wagster.

We in the club doin' the same ol two-step
Guerilla Unit
'Cause they say we always bugging out
'Cause we don't go nowhere without toast

Music stops

Now you listen to me Mr. Cent! If you want to make it in this business, then LAY OFF THE DOOBIE!!

quote:

Originally posted by Aculeatus From the 2003 VMA pre-show.

What does VMA stand for and when did you find out about this?

Video Music Awards...

Chris: Is this where babies come from?
Brian: Yes Chris... This is where babies come from.

(Chris jumps to his feet and yells at Lois)

Chris: YOU TOLD ME I CAM FROM YOU VAGINA!!!

X-Mas Episode:
Peter and Brian are breaking into a trailor!

Peter: OK, heres the plan we need to get past the main security parimeters and there should be laser-canons here, here and, here.
Any questions?

Brian: Yeah, can I buy some pot from you?

quote:

Originally posted by RogerSmith quote: Originally posted by Aculeatus From the 2003 VMA pre-show. What does VMA stand for and when did you find out about this?

Stewie was on the MTV Video Music Awards last week, during the Pre-Show. They did a battle of Eminem Vs 50 Cent, in several different categories and had different celebirites put their 2 cents in on the 2 performers.

Stewie talked about their lyrics, and that's what he was qouting from.
I was watching the show with My "friend" Jasmine and when I saw the "Stewie for Govenor" Sign, I Was like "HELL YEAH STEWIE FOR GOVENOR!!!!! She just looked at me and Said "Who the hell is stewie anyways??"

Willy Wonka: I'll ask one more time. Are you SURE you didn't steal any candy?

Peter:**now a blueberry** Are you calling me a liar, Wonka?!!!

Wonka: Just asking.

Brian: Okay, insert Rod A into slot B.

Peter: That's what she--

Brian: If you say "That's what she said" one more time, I am going to pop you!

quote:

Originally posted by Schwarzwald Mayor West: Your house isnt even part of these United States ... that must make you ... A COMMUNIST! ---- Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West? Adam West: How do you know my language? Meg: Listen to me, my entire future is in your hands! Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor? ----- Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma...probably from rolling around in that toxic waste! What in god's name were you trying to prove? Mayor: I was trying to gain superpowers. Doctor: Well, that's just silly! Mayor: Silly? Yes. Idiotic? .....Yes. --- West: I love this job as much as I love taffy, and I am a man who enjoy's his taffy (Eats Taffy).

HAHAHAHAHA!

THe Mayor West ones are the Best!!!

Long Live BATMAN (Adam West)!!

"Oh no!"

"Oh no!"

"Oh no!"



"OH YEAH!!!"

• Attachment: km_crash1.jpg

They're right to be afraid of the Kool-Aid man...HE'S NAKED! EEEE!!!!!

But I got a quote too.
*Brian and Stewie fly over the Vatican in a hot air balloon and the Pope gets picked up and dropped down on a statue and moons everyone*

Pope: Ohh, you're-a in big-a trouble now! *pointing to sky* Smite them!
...
He's-a cookin' up somethin-a good, you just wait.

stewie: "Thank you, when i take over the world, i shall make your death quick."

Brian: "kid, you're talking to someone who uses their tounge as toilet paper."

Lois: Why is everybody staring at us?

Peter: Why Lois? I'll tell you why! Your faux pas was so humilating last night, I had to call up a university professor to tell me what phrase I should use to describe it!

Flashback

Professor: Use faux pas.

Peter: Thanks, professor!

*Griffins visits the nudists*

Lois: Uh...your completely...

Dottie: Nude? Yes, we're nudists!

Chris: Permission to freak out!

Just replying to bring this thread back up (because people requested it!)

News Guy "And now to the Black-you-weather forcast"
Black guy with a map behind him " IT GONNA RAIN!"
News Guy "Thanks, and now to sports..."

quote:

THe Mayor West ones are the Best!!!

*Mayor west approaches two bathrooms, one marked "mayor", one with a mens room sign on it. He hesitantly stares at the "mayor" door*

Mayor: No, they'll be expecting that...

Or it was something like that anyway. Definately the parts with him were hysterical, and once this new run of episodes begin I hope theres more of that.