Family Guy quotes

The funniest line that Stewie has ever said was when he was in his New Years' costume.

Stewie: "Do these Huggies make my ass look big?"


God, that was really funny. I'm laughing at it right now...



ANYWAY, HERE ARE MORE FAMILY GUY GAGS:

1.
When Peter got God angry and he was befallen the plagues of the old testament similar to the Plagues of Egypt.

Brian: "My god, Peter, this is the final plague!"

Peter: "Good, because this is starting to get really old."

Brian: "No, Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son!"

Peter: "Oh, no Stewie!"

Brian: "The firstborn son."

Peter: "Meg!"

Brian: "Your wife."

Peter: "Chris!"

2.
When the house is infested with fleas and everyone is itchy.

Peter: "Alright, we have but one choice. Learn the language of the fleas, befriend them and breed with their women. And in time, our diffrences will be forgotten."

Lois: "CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!"

3.
When Peter is offered a free boat by dealing with a timesharer.

Timeshare guy: "Wait, you can have the boat, or you can take the mystery box..."

Lois: "Are you crazy? We'll take the--"

Peter: "Wait Lois. A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat. You know how much we wanted one of those!"

Lois: "Then we'll just take the boat--"

Peter: "We'll take the box."

[Later on their way home]

Lois: "'We'll take the mystery box'. You gave up a free boat for two tickets to a crappy comedy club."

Peter: "Come on, Lois. You act like this is the stupidiest thing I've done. Remember the time we were supposed to take the box?"

[Flashback to timeshare deal]

Peter: "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!"

Lois: "Then we'll just take the boat--"

Peter: "We'll take the box!"

[Back to the car conversation]

Lois: Peter, that just happened ten minutes ago."

I'll think up even more later...

Peter talking to Luke Perry

Peter: "Hey, you know what's good for taking wine out? Sex with another man!"

There's one that they cut out, I think it's from the one where Stewie goes to England.

Stewie puts his back pack full of guns, knives, and other evil bric-a-brac onto the x-ray machine

Stewie: "I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout."

X-ray lady: "Aw, isn't that cute!" (or something like that)
Bag goes through machine unnoticed, Stewie picks it up and walks away

Stewie: Let's just hope to God Osama Bin Laden doesn't know showtunes!

Bin Laden chucks a bag on the machine, starts singing some show tune-y song.

Man, that was funny. Too bad it's GONE FOREVER!!

Hey, when did (GAT-X105) you see that? That looked amazingly funny!

I think I saw it the first time Fox aired it, then I found it on Kazaa.

And I got another one!

Peter's psycho-Catholic dad reads Stewie the Bible.
Stewie: "I really like this 'God' fellow. A plague here, a flood there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that !

Oh yeah, and my name is the model number of the main character's suit from Gundam SEED...I built the big model of the the other day.

1) *Everyone is at Child Protective Services, trying to get Stewie back*

Chris: What is this place?

Brian: This is where babies come from.

Chris: *points at Lois* YOU TOLD ME I CAME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!


2) Lois' Father: Oh my God! Your dog is violating my Seabreeze!

Peter: No, he's not violating her. He's just ackwardly positioning himself.......ok now he's violating her.

Hehehehe

yea, that famly shouldnt reproduce

"yea yea, well in heaven youre gunna run into those two balif ladies from night court and do you know what.....its gunna be really awkward"

Peter and Lois talking in bed...

Lois: Peter, you should spend more time with the kids, and me..."

Peter: "What could you and me do together?"

[Lois giggles]

Peter: "*gasp*, Lois, you got a sick mind!"

Lois: "Peter, I'm talking about making love..."

Peter: "Oh. I thought you wanted to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money."

first of all i am proud to say that i own seasons 1-2 on dvd
now down to business

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Peter: I cant believe that they wont let me build a pool in my backyard. Especially after my great great grand uncle created one of this countries most beloved cartoon figures.

(flash back to a board meeting with a portrait of bugs bunny on an easel)

Head Chairman: Ok it comes down to two possible names. All in favor of Bugs Bunny?

(everyone but peter raises his hand. Then the head chairman glares at peter when he says...)

Head Chairman: All in favor of " Ephram the Retarted Rabbit? "

(only peter raises his hand)

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(its christmas and peter blast's through the door [pretty sure he was drunk] going towards the couch saying...)

Peter: Merry Chirstmas to all and to all a shut the hell up

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(stewie is at the state fair when he notice's the shooting gallery)

Stewie: Ohhhhh! A 10 gauge. Never used one of these babies before.

(stewie fires the gun and the recoil has stewie flying backwards)

Stewie: Ohhhhh! How i marvel this thing!

(stewie grips the rifle)

Stewie: This is my rifle!

(stewie grips his penis)

Stewie: This is my gun!

(stewie grips the rifle)

Stewie: This is for fighting!

(stewie grips his penis)

Stewie: This is for fun!

--------------------

(peter walks by a protest with people holding signs saying, "free tibet." Peter walks up to one and says)

Peter: I'll take it!

(peter then dashes to the pay phone)

Peter: Hey China, I think I have something you might want.

(hear murmuring on the phone)

Peter: Thats right, all the tea.

--------------------

(peter is at a UN meeting in the back row when he yells to the speaker...)

Peter: Hey guy with the fake accent what does it take to get a good seat around here! I am the president of Petoria for crying out loud!

Speaker: Ohhh, how could we not notice the great nation of Petoria. Please have a seat in the front row.

Peter: Uhhh.. thanks-

Speaker: -and would you also like a satellite that can be a laser from space to scratch your ass!?

Peter: THEY HAVE THOSE!

(entire UN starts laughing)

------------------------

(peter has a flashback to when he was in a museum when he was a kid)

Peter: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?

Tourguide: Cause you touch yourself at night!

-----------------------
(brian is supposed to be babysitting stewie but instead he is just reading a newspaper on the couch. then stewie comes in trying to get some attention)

Stewie: Look here! Look what I am doing.

(brian ignores him)

Stewie: Look, my hand is in a naughty place.

(stewie's finger is up his nose)

Brian: Look kid, your talkin to a guy that uses his tounge as toilet paper.

(stewie is fustrated. you here scribbling.)

Stewie: I say look dog, look! I am righting profanity on the wall

(brian puts down the newspaper just to see that stewie wrote out the word "poppycock" on the wall)

----------------------------

oh god my hands are tired.
be back later

Peter: "It's what makes us alive! Dance with me Lois! Dance with me!"

(Peter starts to dance stupidly across the screen and soon smashes in to a shelve full of china)

I FINALLY HAVE VOLUME 1 OF THE FAMILY GUY DVD!!! Yes, it has 28 episodes from season 1 & 2, and I couldn't be any happier (that is until I get the Big O DVDs).

Anyway, here's more:

Stewie eating a meatloaf in from of Chris

Stewie: Oh, this meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. Too bad you can't have any, it's practically orgasmic!

[Eats it, then makes orgasmic cries]

Brian: I'll have what he's having.

(peter to lois)

Peter: Lois, you'll always be my silver medal.

----------------------------

(peter tries to motovate chris to lose weight so he attaches a stick stringed to a twinkie on chris' head. what chris says to the twinke after he catches it....)

Chris: Ahaa! Gotcha! Now I'm gonna turn you into poo!

-----------------------------

(peter goes in search of food after the y2k explosion)

Peter: Lois, we all know that there are only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust. Cockroaches.... and Twinkes.

----------------------------

hope to post some more later )

Peter on a plane talking on the phone to Death

Death: Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place. Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.

[A flashback where Hitler is a host to a David Lettermen-type show]

Announcer: Today un Hitler, we'll be talking to Hollywood hunk, Christian Slater.

Hitler: Now, ze tell me in yer next movie, we get to see yer butt.

[Slater laughs, girls in the audience cheer]

Slater: Yes, you do.

Hitler: Can we...can we see it right now?

Slater: Mmm...okay, Hitler.

[Slater unzips his pants]

Hitler: Oh, OH! His going to dew it!

[Commercial break]

Announcer: If you're in ze Los Angelez or would like ticketz to Hitler, just call

213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!!!


By the way, Krang and Shredder, how far can you let us go in telling these jokes? I mean, I might put a incredible gruesome gag here soon (with hints of explicit content (in words)).

quote:

Originally posted by RogerSmith By the way, Krang and Shredder, how far can you let us go in telling these jokes? I mean, I might put a incredible gruesome gag here soon (with hints of explicit content (in words)).

You can post them as long as they don't break the forum rules.

Hmmm...well, I can't think of a Family Guy gag with explict words in it...

Well, here's one gag:

[Lois is giving Stewie a bath in the kitchen sink/Peter walks into the kitchen]

Peter: "Hey, Stewie, I see your bum!"

Stewie: "Well, take a look, fat man. And while your at it, why don't you take pictures so I have something to bring to court, you filthy wretched pervert!"

Hehehe I like stewie's "I'm Nude On Ice!"

Oh yeah, that episode was classic. I especially laughed for a full straight half hour when Martha Stewart farted after the Griffins left the house. The last time I laughed like that was when Hitler was a talk show host...I think that German part where they go "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENWESTER BRAUCHEN" means "Bring your sick sister!". I could be WAY off, but if anyone knows German, please correct me...

Yeah, that episode is one of my favorites, with Peter's

Peter: "Most of you are already in my favor, and for those who aren't, I have two words for ya...Come on....Come on...."

Politicians: "yeah, sure, ok (conversing)"

That was the best, that and Brian

Oh, yeah! Remember when Meg was at school and this ugly girl showed up saying she was hired to stay next to her so she could be compared between her and Meg...

Boy: "Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly?"

[Meg grabs ugly girl and nudges her next to herself]

Meg: "Oh, yeah!"

...well, I couldn't get all the wording, but you probably remember that part...