Family Guy quotes

I love Family Guy a lot, and I swear to god, I cannot live another second without hearing another insane joke from the show. So could you guys help me out and post as many Family Guy quotes as possible? I'll start:


"Tomorrow's forecast: a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of DOOM!"

-Stewie


-or-


[Peter drinking communion whine]

Peter: "Wow, is this really the blood of Christ?"

Priest: "Yes."

Peter: "Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?"

"So broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you!"

-Stewie

[Stewie holding a box of chocolate]

Stewie: "Hello, mother."

Lois: "Well, hi there, sweetie."

Stewie: "You know mother. Life is like of box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life however is moe like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!!!!"

[Opens box, revealing grenades/sinister music plays]

stewie "bend down mother"

lois "ok sweetie"

SMACK

stewie "how dare you shun my good name by disgracing me with this disgusting blasafemy!"

lois "now hun, dont hit mommy, we have talked about this"

stewie "slanderous feind!"

Here's some quotes from the Christmas episode the other night.

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: It doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.

Bonnie: I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour.

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another Lemon Snowcone eh?
Peter: Oh thanks, the last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like.. oh, you guys are asses!

Peter: Yeah, I'm looking for some books about potty training.
Owner: Well our most popular is "Everybody Poops". We also have the less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter: Uhmm actually, we're Catholic...
Owner: Ohhhh. Then you want "You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back of You"
Peter: Perfect!


Chris: God's watchin' me do number two? Oh, man! I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

Peter: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

Stewie: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes, it is.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day!

Peter: Brian! Look! There's a message in my Alphabets ... it says
"Oooooooooo,"
Brian: ... Peter, those are Cheerios.

I forget the exact quote, but its something like this...

Peter : It's ok, I read a book about this once

Brian : Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt NOTHING?

When Brian is panting behind a women at the ball game and she gets up looking discusted:

Brian: Oh don't flatter yourself,sweetheart,I don't have sweat glands.

At The Parade In "Honor Thy Trophy":

Tom Tucker:Here's a float of Tony bathing Jonathan,now that's just wrong.

When explaining his art school experiences to Lois:

Peter:I took a drawing class-
(Flashback to class)
Peter:Am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter:I took a sculpting class-
(Flashback to class)
Peter:Am i supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter:And I took a music class-
(Flashback to class)
Peter:Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?


When they thought Peter had breast cancer:

Peter:We'll just ignor it like we do the squid
(Squid at the end of the table knocks off table cloth)
Lois:An Earthquake?
Peter:Musta been a truck goin' by.

When Chris was sitting on the diving board:

Guy:Sir,you can't park your minivan on the diving board.
Peter:That's my son!
Guy: Oh.Hey,it's just a fat kid.

When Peter was in court and he was sentenced:

Lois: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
(then the Kool-Aid man bursts through the wall)
Kool-Aid Man: Oh Yeah!

When chicken tells Peter about Y2K:

Peter:No!!!!!!!!!!
(Runs over to Trix rabbit)
Peter:Silly rabbit!Trix are for kids!Damn longears tryin' to take Easter away from Jesus.

When the Griffins are watching the Jetsons:

George:Can't you hear me screamin' out there?
Elroy:Jeez,dad what happened?
George:Go to your room,Elroy.
Elroy:But,dad.........
George:GO TO YOUR ROOM!For 45 minutes I was out there.I know because my watch is broken.
Jane: Oh George!I'm sorry!
George: Oh you're sorry,Jane's sorry!I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!

When Peter's acting crabby:

Quagmire:Hey guys!Why don't we give him another lemon snowcone?
Peter:No thanks.That last one didn't taste like Lemon at all.
Quagmire,Cleavland,Joe:HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Peter: Oh,you guys are asses.

I'm bored.Maybe more later.

I absolutely LOVE the penis one ...

" Do I -- Do I conduct with my penis?"

Ya, that ones great, I liked the episode with the jetsons that was hilarious

quote:

Originally posted by Sharpshooter005 I forget the exact quote, but its something like this... Peter : It's ok, I read a book about this once Brian : Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt NOTHING?

Hey! That's my Sig!

- I forgot what the exact words, but...

Snowman: Wish you a Merry Christmas
(Lois kicks his head off or something like that)
Kids: Hey, he only wished you a merry christmas!
Lois: Wish, you can only wish! But does anyone actually go thorugh all the trouble to make it happen? No! Christmas falls out of my frickin' butt!!
(Lois screams and go crazy)

Wow! Lois was abnormally wonderful in that episode .. gotta love her.

she was vile

i love it!

[kisses]

[karate]

Was that the one were Louis is taking Martial arts?

quote:

[karate]

Hence his words?

1.
Peter giving Chris a box of "Dirty magazines'. Chris takes out a photo.

Chris: "hey, check out the rack on...mom?"

2.
When Peter enters the kitchen after liposuction.

Stewie: "My god, it finally happened. He has become so masssive, he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star!"

3.
When Stewie and Brian sleep at a crummy hotel. A drug deal is happening in the other room.

Drug Dealer: You got the stuff?

Drug Dealer 2: Yes I do, but I won't give you the stuff 'til I see the money.

Drug Dealer: No, let me see the stuff.

Stewie: "Oh, won't anyone put a end to this nuisance? HE'S WEARING A WIRE!!!"

Drug Dealer: WHAT?! YOU SON OF A--

[Gun shots, body drop effect]

4.
When Stewie and Brian enter Brian's birthome

Owner's wife: "Well, you're a cute little feller, I bet you're hungry..."

Stewie: "Yes, and I bet you lost you're virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!"

5.
Peter presents to the family the statue of David in their front lawn

Lois: "Peter, you bought the statue of David?"

Peter: "Well, only renting it. Man, are they going to be pissed, though. The penis broke off while I was loading it in the trunk."

[Throws penis away. Crashes into Mr. Weed's home. Mr. Weed picks it up]

Mr. Weed: "I shall call you Elduardo!'

6.
Stewie watches the stage show of Carrot Top

Carrot Top: "Wow, a bow tie!"

[Stewie watches. Carrot Top sings to the bow]

Carrot Top: 'Hey, I'm David Bowey!"

[Stewie watches. Carrot Top puts a necklace on the bow]

Carrot Top: "Hey, bow-deric!'

[Stewie throws axes at Carrot Top]

Stewie: "Ha, ha. Very funny. Now tell the one that doesn't SUCK!"



I'll try to think up more later...

I like Stewie's "Time out? I'll give you time out... for eternity!"

Oh and this

"I've got it..if you cooked any slower..you wouldnt need an egg timer, you'd need an egg CALANDER...Oh yes, I went there"-Stewie.

I have NO IDEA why that amused me so much, but I was laughing hysterically when I first heard that line.

Peter: the last time i got a cupon from a chicken, something bad happend

*flashback*

cashier: im dorry sir this cupon is expierd

peter: *looks out the window twards chicken* YOU BASTERD *dives thru window and jackie chan fight proceeds*


crazy villagers: whats something you would take on a picnic?

stewie: dead lois?

villagers: let see, IS DEAD LOIS A POSSIBLE ANSEWER? *look at the sky*