[Fan Fiction] Big O Crossovers with Anything

THE BLUES BROTHERS - Paradigm City Style!
Edited by Lady Tesser

* * *

SCENE - PARADIGM CITY'S CORRECTIONAL FACILITY aka DUNGEON HOLE

(DAN BLUES is escorted by two guards down a jail hallway.)

PRISONER: Hey!

(The three continue walking along the exercise grounds, through several checkpoints, and to a non-descript steel-plated door.)

GUARD: Well, this is it.

(He opens the door and all three of them enter the room.)

GUARD: 7474505B.
WARDEN: What wing?
GUARD: Maximum wing, block 9.
WARDEN: Standard release?
GUARD: Parole 3 out of 5, good behavior.
GUARD: Gimme a minute.

(He gets DAN's belongings. DAN leans on the counter, tapping his fingers, showing his name tattoed on his right knuckles. The WARDEN returns to see him in this posture and looks at him pointedly.)

WARDEN: Sir, you're giving the Military Police a bad name in this movie.
DAN: I was told my part is a drunken slob with no respect for authority, I'm playing it that way.

(The two GUARDS pull him back from the counter.)

WARDEN (picking up the pieces): One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. (pauses and picks up something with his pen, with a distasteful look on his face) One soiled.

(Outside view of ROGER BLUES pulling up to the prison entrance in a sleek black car. His knuckles are also tattoed with his name, taking up the four fingers of his right hand and index finger of his left.)

WARDEN: One black suit jacket. One pair of black suit pants. One black and white tie. One hat, black. (punches the flattened crown out) One pair of sunglasses. Twenty three dollars and seven cents. (offers clipboard) Sign here.

(DAN leans over and signs with 'X', followed by an 'F.U.')

(ROGER steps out of the car and folds his arms as he waits for the gates of the prison to open. The gates slowly open. DAN walks out of prison, ROGER is waiting for him. They look at each other and hug.)

(SOUND OVER):
She caught the Katy
And left me a mule to ride
She caught the Katy
And left me a mule to ride
Now my baby caught the Katy
Left me a mule to ride
The train pulled out
I swung on behind
Crazy 'bout her
That hard headed woman of mine
Man, my baby's long
Great gosh almighty my baby's tall
You know my baby's long
Great gosh almighty my baby's tall
Yeah my baby she's long
My baby she's tall
She's sleepin' with her head in the kitchen
And her feet's out in the hall
Crazy 'bout her
That hard headed woman of mine
Well I love my baby
She's so fine
But I wish she'd come and see me some time
She don't believe in our love, ah
Look whatta hole I'm in
She don't believe what I'm sayin'
Kid look whatta shape I'm in
Huh-huh

* * *

SCENE - THE BLUES MOBILE

(ROGER drives off while DAN taps his hand on the open window in time with the music. The domes of Paradigm City loom into view from the gray landscape.)

DAN: What's this?
ROGER:What?
DAN: This car, this stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? (He tries to light his cigarette, the car's lighter is broken, he throws it out the window) The Caddy? Where's the Caddy?
ROGER: The what?
DAN: The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile!
ROGER: I traded it.
DAN: You traded the Bluesmobile for this?
ROGER: No, for a microphone and some eyebrow gel.
DAN: A microphone? Okay, I can see that. I can even understand the eyebrow gel. What the hell is this?
ROGER: This Griffon was a bargain. I picked it up at the Paradigm City Megadeus auction last spring. It's an old Big-Class Megadeus disguised as a Griffon. They were practically givin' them away.
DAN: Well thank you, pal; the day I get outta prison, my own brother picks me up in a Megadeus.

(Fog horn and warning bell sounds. ROGER pulls up at the back of the line of cars waiting for the drawbridge to finish. He sideglances DAN.)

ROGER: You don't like it?
DAN (looking back at him): No, I don't like it.

(ROGER shifts gears, slamming his foot on the gas pedal.)

ROGER: BIG O - ACTION!

(The Bluesmobile transforms into Big O and steps over the raising drawbridge to the other side.)

(SOUND OVER):
She caught the Katy
And left me a mule to ride
She caught the Katy
And left me a mule to ride
Well my baby caught the Katy
Left me a mule to ride
The train pulled out
I swung on behind
Crazy 'bout that hard headed woman
Hard headed woman of mine
Huh-huh, huh-huh

(Big O changes back into a car again.) (Work with it, folks, don't figure out the mechanics and the physics.)

DAN (understatedly): This car's got a lot of pick up.
ROGER: It's got a Megadeus motor of four hundred and forty millon cubic inch plant, it's got Megadeus tires, Megadeus suspension, Megadeus shocks ... it was a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do ya say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
DAN (pulling lighter out of pocket): Fix the cigarette lighter.

* * *SCENE - SAINT SYBIL ORPHANAGE

(They park the car by the Saint Sybil Orphanage.)

DAN: What are we doing here?
ROGER: You promised you'd visit the Penguin the day you got out.
DAN: Yeah? So, I lied to her.
ROGER: You can't lie to a nun! We gotta go in and visit the Penguin.
DAN: No smegging way.

(ROGER leads DAN into the orphanage and open the door to the vestibule of the PENGUIN's office. They climb the excessively-creepy stairs, pausing to look up at the unknown mutilated figure hanging from the cross. They suspect he was once a student who upset the PENGUIN. Just before ROGER knocks the door, a voice is heard from inside

VERA: Who ees zit?
ROGER: Dan and Roger.
VERA: Come een.

(The door opens and DAN and ROGER enter the room, folding their hands and posing with determination before the leering woman in the nun's habit with the faded blonde barrel curls hanging out of the wimple. The door mysteriously shuts behind them and they turn around to see what caused it.)

VERA: Hello, boys, nize to zee you. Please, haf a zeat.

(DAN and ROGER squeeze into student desks in the back of the room.)

VERA: No-no, boys. Come over here in vront of me. I vant to zee jour faces.

(DAN and ROGER shuffle up a bit closer.)

VERA (standing up and rounding desk; the guys discover she is wearing pants instead of a normal habit): The zity took a tax azessment of zis property last month. Zey want five zouzand dollars.
ROGER: Doesn't the church have to pay that?
VERA: Zey would if zey were eenterested in keeping zee place, but zey aren't. The Arch Bishop wants to zell zis building outright to zee Board of Education.
ROGER: What's gonna happen to you?
VERA: I'll be zent to zee mission - Electric City vithout mein curling iron. Ach! Der Horror ... (she pouted) I vanted to go to Tranzylvania, but zey zaid I vas too scary.
DAN: Forget it, five grand's no problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Roger. (both get up to leave)
VERA: No-no! I vill not take jour filthy zolen money!
DAN (leaning back in seat): Well then, I guess you're really up smeg creek.

(VERA the PENGUIN hits DAN on his hand with a ruler.)

DAN: Ow!
VERA: I beg jour pardon, vhat did jou zay?
DAN: I offered to help you.
VERA (nods): Mm-hm.
DAN: You refused to take our money.
VERA (nodes again): Mm-hmm.
DAN: Then I said 'I guess you're really up smeg creek'.

(The PENGUIN hits DAN again.)

DAN: Ow!
ROGER: Christ, Dan, take it easy man!
VERA: Roger!

(She starts hitting them both, as DAN and ROGER keep on crying out obscenities.)

ROGER: Argh, you man-lookin penguin!

(The ruler breaks on top of ROGER's hat-covered head. The PENGUIN reaches for a whip which crackles through the air over their heads. ROGER leaps out of his seat and runs out the door while Dan - stuck in his seat - shuffles out and tumbles down the stairs.)

VERA: Jou are zuch a disappointing pair. I prayed zo hard for jou. It zaddens und hurtz me zat ze two voung men whom I raised to believe in ze Union Label haf returned to me as two thieves, vith filthy mouths and zissy-boy attitudes. Get out! Und don't come back until jou've redeemed jourzelves.

ROGER: Her accent slipped at the end, there.
DAN: Yeah - you know she practices it just so no one can understand her -

[WHIP! SNAP! CRACK!]

VERA: Vhat vaz zhat?
ROGER & DAN: Nothing, Sister Vera ma'am!

(She fades back into her office and the door mysteriously closes.)

BIG EAR: Boys, you gotta learn not to talk to scary Eastern European women that way...

(They get up and all three get a good look at each other.)

BIG EAR: Dan! Roger!
DAN and ROGER (shaking his hands): Big Ear!
ROGER: You look fine man!
DAN: Good to see you man!
BIG EAR: Hey, buy you boys a drink?

* * *

SCENE - BIG EAR'S APARTMENT UNDER THE ORPHANAGE

BIG EAR (taking out whiskey and getting glasses): Boys, things are bad. They're gonna sell this place to the Board of Education and I'll be out on the street. That money's gotta be in the Paradigm City Assessors Office within eleven days.
DAN: They wouldn't turn you out would they?
BIG EAR: Smeg. What's one more old double-agent-slash-android to the Board of Education?
ROGER: Big Ear, you and the Penguin are the the only family we got. You're the only one that was ever good to us, especially after we got turned into tomatoes. Singin' Elmore James tunes and blowing the harp for us down here ...
BIG EAR: Well, the Scary Sister was right, you boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Flop and catch Reverend Beck. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
DAN: Big Ear, I don't wanna listen to no poofy preacher talking to me about heaven and hell.
BIG EAR: Dan, you get wise! You get to church!

* * *

SCENE - TRIPLE FLOP CHURCH

RESIDENT MINISTER: And now, this weeks sermon is from our beloved - the Reverend Beck Gold.

(REVEREND BECK appears. He is loud, flamboyant, clad in gold and black preacher's robes and funky-swirled hair. In the back vestibule, ROGER and DAN stand in the darkness to watch - ROGER with respect and DAN with impatience.)

REVEREND BECK: And now people. And now people. When I woke up this morning, I heard a disturbing sound. I said, when I woke up this morning I heard a disturbing sound. What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls' and their pocket change. And I'm talking about the souls of modern men and women, departed from this life, who left me their money. Wait a minute, those lost jangle souls' money roamin' unseen over the earth, seek the divine light in my pockets, they'll not find. Because it's too late... too late yeah, too late for them to ever see again, the light they once chose not to follow! Alright, alright, don't be lost when the time comes. For the day of the Lord cometh, as a thief in the night (like me). Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen!

(REV. BECK and the choir breaks into the song 'Old Landmark', the congregation jumping up and getting possessed by the music. Dancing and singing, DAN is trembling to keep from getting into the groove.)

ROGER: Dan, you alright?

(A ray of Light shines through the church onto DAN, enveloping him in brilliant blue light.)

DAN (like a revelation): The band... The band!
REV. BECK: Do you see the Light?
DAN: The band!
REV. BECK: Do you see the Light?
ROGER (completely mystified): What light?
REV. BECK: Have you seen the Light?
DAN: Yes, yes! Jesus H. tapdancin' Christ, I have seen the Light!

(DAN starts dancing, executing some impressive backflips. He returns to ROGER and grabs his shoulders.)

DAN: The band, Roger. The band!
ROGER: (puzzled)The band? ... (sad) the band. (comtemplating) The band? (realization)The band!
REV. BECK: Praise God and give me your money!
ROGER: And down with the Dome-Dwellers of Paradigm City!

(ROGER begins dancing as well, his legs jumping all over the place as he jogs down the aisle and dances amid the group of ecstatic worshippers. He makes his way back to DAN and both dance their way out of the vestibule.)

* * *

SCENE - COP STOP

(DAN and ROGER are in the Bluesmobile)
[Background song: 'Soothe Me' by Sam & Dave]

DAN: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread, bang! Five thousand bucks.
ROGER: Yeah, well getting the band back together might not be that easy, Dan.
DAN: What're you talking about?
ROGER: They split. They all took straight jobs.
DAN: Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.
ROGER: I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?
DAN: They're not the kind of guys who write letters, especially Dale Malone and Oliver Marini. You were outside, I was inside, you were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
ROGER: Well what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullsh**ting you, okay?
DAN: You lied to me.
ROGER: It wasn't lies, it was just bullsh**.

(They speed through a yellow light. A military police car follows them, lights flashing but no siren.)

ROGER: Smeg!
DAN: What?
ROGER: Grunts on wheels.
DAN: No.
ROGER: Yeah.
DAN: Smeg.

(The police direct them to pull over. ROGER stops the car and a military police officer approaches. OFFICER DOVE shines his flashlight into the car, highlighting DAN's sunglass-wearing profile.)

ROGER: What? What did I do?
OFFICER DOVE:You failed to stop at a red signal.
ROGER: The light was yellow, sir.
DOVE: May I see your license please? And can I have your wallet, too, for safe keeping?

(ROGER gives him his license but keeps his wallet, OFFICER DOVE takes it to the police car.)
[background song: 'Hold On, I'm Coming' by Sam & Dave]

DAN: God-damn-it.
ROGER: Man, I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet those cops have got PCMODS.
DAN: PCMODS?
ROGER: Paradigm City Municipal Offender Data System.

(The cops do have PCMODS, Roger has a record

BLUES, ROGER
PARADIGM CITY LICENSE: B263-1655-2187
CURRENTLY UNDER SUSPENSION
WARRANTS OUTSTANDING: PARKG. 116
MOVING VIOLATIONS: 256
CAST IN THE NAME OF GOD ...
[flashing]
ARREST DRIVER ... IMPOUND VEHICLE

(OFFICERS DOVE and T-BONE return to the car.)

DOVE: Roger, we show your license currently under suspension. Step out of the car please. And give me your wallet, man.

(ROGER and DAN look at each other. ROGER starts the car and drives off, the police follow them as ROGER expertly weaves the Griffon around traffic.)

DAN (about to blow): First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone and some eyebrow gel. Then you lie to me about the band, now you're gonna put me right back in the joint.
ROGER (confidently): They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.
DAN: Roger ...

(The cops talk over their radio)

OFFICER T-BONE: We are in high speed pursuit northbound on 5th Avenue. Black Sedan with Outside Dome plates. Request assistance.

(The Bluesmobile turns into a mall parking lot of the shopping district dome.)

ROGER: It would be alright if we could just get back on the expressway.
DAN (snapping): This don't look like no expressway to me!
ROGER: Don't yell at me.
DAN: What the hell you want me to do, motorhead?
ROGER (coolly): Well, try not to be so negative all the time, why don't you offer some constructive criticism.

(They swing around more cars, now two military police cars after them.)

DAN: You got us into this parking lot pal, so you get us out.
ROGER: You want outta this parking lot? Okay.

* * *

SCENE - THE MALL TRASHING

(ROGER and DAN drive through the mall. Meanwhile in Toys 'R' Us...)

Shop Lady: Would there be anything else?
Drooling Unkempt Customer: Yes, do you have a life-size antomically-accurate Rei Ayanami doll? [grunt-grunt]

(The Bluesmobile speeds through the toystore and drives through the mall. Two policecars pursue the Blues Brothers.)
[background song: 'Can't Turn Me Loose' by the Blues Brothers Band]

DAN (pointing): Hanson Burgers.
ROGER: Yeah. Lots of space in this mall.

(Chase continues.)

DAN: Disco pants and hair cuts.
ROGER: Yeah. Can only be found in the Domes.

(They crash through some shop windows and into another walkway.)

ROGER (observing nonchalantly): Baby clothes.
DAN (amazed): This place has got everything.

(They crash through another shop window of a car dealership.)

ROGER: New Oldsmobiles are in early this year. (Drives out and speeds through the mall. With some disgust Pier 1 Imports.
DAN: Of all the things to survive the Event ...

(The second police car hits a ramp of debris and lands on its roof, skidding across the floor on its roof.)

OFFICERS: Oh, smmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg!

(The first police car crashes, making the second one spin around, DAN and ROGER manage to get out of the mall through a shop window. The police car on its roof stops spinning and one of the officers looks at his wrist.)

OFFICER: They broke my watch!

(We see DOVE and T-BONE, their car buried in grocery items.)

T-BONE: I'm gonna catch that sucker, if it's the last thing I ever do ...

* * *

SCENE - ROGER'S PLACE

(DAN and ROGER walk to ROGER's apartment in the seediest part of Paradigm City outside the domes, filled with adult shops, bars, cheap motels, and illegal gambling joints, their neon signs flickering and pulsing over the Blues brothers' heads.)
[background song: 'Peter Gunn Theme' by the Blues Brothers Band]
(ROGER stops in front of a particularly seedy motel with a sign reading 'Transients Welcome'.)

ROGER: Nice place, huh?
DAN: Do the rats carry switchblades against the roaches?
ROGER: The roaches laugh at switchblades.

(A mysterious blonde woman [ANGEL] parks her car on the other side of the street, she holds a rocket launcher up, pointing it at DAN's head. Just as the trigger is pulled, the Blues brothers hit the deck. The woman blows up the front door of the hotel, then she drives off. DAN and ROGER recover and go inside, sweeping pieces of rocks off their shoulders. They step over a man passed-out on the stairs.)

ROGER: Hey, Ariga-sensei ...

(They walk to the concierge's office. The lobby is filled with down-on-their-luck men, drunks, some asleep, some playing cards.)

ROGER: Hey Jim, anybody call for me on the phone?
JIM McGOWAN: No, no calls. Some guy left this card. Cop. Said he'd be back.

(JIM gives ROGER Officer R. FREDERICK O'RIELLY's card which he hands to DAN. DAN throws it away.)

ROGER: This here's my brother Dan. He just got outta the joint. He's gonna be staying with me for a few weeks.
JIM: Ehr... Okay.
MAN PLAYING CARDS (looks like Big Duo): Did you get me my Cheez Whiz, boy?

(ROGER throws him the can of Cheez Whiz. The Megadeus catches it and continues dealing out.)

(ROGER approaches his room and goes in, DAN right behind him. DAN looks around.)

ROGER: Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
DAN: How often does the train go by?
ROGER (as sign falls down from wall): So often you won't even notice it.

(ROGER hands DAN a bottle of wine, then starts making himself some toasted white bread, DAN sits down on the bed with the bottle. ROGER puts on a blues album.)

DAN: How you gonna get the band back together, Mister Hot-Rodder? The cops got your name, your address...
ROGER: No, they don't got my address. I falsified my renewal. I put down 161st Street and River Avenue.
DAN: 161st and River Avenue? (lays down on bed and covers his sunglass-covered eyes with his hat) That's old Yankee Stadium.
ROGER (nodding): I gotta hit the sack.

(DAN lies asleep in ROGER's bed.)

ROGER: Hey you sleaze, my bed!

(ROGER covers up DAN with a blanket, then goes to sit on the window sill to watch the trains go by.)

(Next morning, outside the hotel, Officer R. FREDERICK O'REILLY arrives at the apartment with Troopers DOVE and T-BONE. ANGEL arrives with a remote control.)

O'RIELLY: This, gentlemen, is the elegant abode of one Roger Blues.
T-BONE: Thanks for your help, Mr. O'Rielly.
O'RIELLY: You know, I kinda liked the Yankee Stadium bit.
T-BONE (snarling): Yeah, real cute.

(They enter the building and arrive at ROGER's door.)

O'RIELLY: Stand back - my android strength may cause the door to splinter.
DOVE (to T-BONE): Man, I think he has a chip on his shoulder.

(O'RIELLY kicks the door in, at the same moment ANGEL flicks the switch on her remote control. The building blows up, ANGEL observing with patient interest. She leaves after the last bricks fall. After a while DAN and ROGER get up from under the bricks and brush themselves off.)

ROGER: It's almost nine o'clock. We gotta go to work.

* * *

SCENE - LOCATING THE BAND

(DAN and ROGER visit Mrs. Tarontino's house.)

DAN: Mrs. Toronto?
LOUISE (for it is she): Torantino.
DAN: Ma'am, do you have a Dale Malone or Oliver Marini living here?
LOUISE: Not any more. They moved out a long time ago. I don't take in borders, not for a long time.
ROGER: May we come in ma'am?
LOUISE: Please.

(They go in.)

DAN: Did they leave a forwarding address? A phone number?
LOUISE: No.
ROGER: Did they live quietly? What were there personal habits?
LOUISE: They were good boys, but they made a lot of racket at night. Are you the military police?
ROGER: No ma'am. We're musicians.

(DAN and ROGER are in the Bluesmobile, ready to leave, when LOUISE comes running out of the house with a card in her hand.)

LOUISE: Mr. Man! Mr. Man! Mr. Man!
DAN: Yes ma'am?
LOUISE: They left this card, maybe it help you?

(She hands Jake a business card of 'Miguel and the Magic-Tones')

[Disco - Polka
MIGUEL
and the Magic-Tones
Call Miguel
KL5-7000
Rm. 302
Parties - Weddings]

DAN: Thank you, ma'am.
LOUISE: By the way, have you seen my cat?

(DAN and ROGER look at each other.)

* * *

SCENE - MIGUEL AND THE MAGIC-TONES

[background song: 'Peter Gunn Theme' by the Blues Brothers Band]
(DAN and ROGER drive to the Holiday Inn where they watch Miguel and the Magic-Tones playing to an almost empty Armada Room.)

MIGUEL: Thank you. You're marvellous. You're marvellous. Thank you. I'm Miguel and these are the Magic-Tones. Bonnie 'The Cropper' Frasier, Robert 'Poodle' Dunn, Timmy 'Two Bigs' Wayneright, and Dale 'Bones' Malone. We'll be back with the Magic-Tones for the Armada Room's two hour disco swing party after this short break. Till then, don't you go changin'.

(He starts a tape-recorder, playing a muzaked version of Billy Joel's 'Just The Way You Are'. The Magic-Tones and DAN and ROGER sit together.)

TIM: So Dan, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated, what's next, what's happening, whatcha gonna do? You got the money you owe us, smeghead?
ROGER: Look, let's just get something straight here. The reason he got locked in the slammer in the first place was for stickin' up a gas station to cover you guys.
ROBERT: You're kidding!
ROGER: He pulled that job to pay for the band's room service tab from that Kiwanis gig in Electric City.
BONNIE: He did?
DAN: That's right, so I don't wanna hear anymore of this small change crap.
ROGER: We're putting the band back together.

(MIGUEL almost spits out his drink at them.)

DAN (intense): You were the backbone, the nerve center of a great rhythm and blues band. You can make that live, breathe and jump again. Miguel and the Magic-Tones? Look at you in those candy-poof monkey suits. And I thought I had it bad in Dungeon.
TIM: At least we got a change in clothes, scruffy, you're wearing the same crud you had on three years ago.
ROBERT: Dan ain't lyin', though. We had a band powerful enough to turn cat piss into gasoline.
DALE: But we'll never get that phat sound again, not without some more horns. We'll never get Mr. Fabulous.
DAN: Where is he?
MIGUEL: Forget it. Mr Fabulous is the top Maitre D at the Nightingale in the central dome. He's pullin' down six bills a week.
BONNIE: Yeah. And Mike Schwarzwald went up and got himself married.
DAN: Someone actually married him???
ROGER: Where is Mike 'Coney' Schwarzwald?
DALE: He opened a German restaurant with his old lady on Maxwell Street, and he took Blue Oliver with him.
TIM (snickering): You'll never get Mike and Mr. Fabulous outta them high payin' gigs.
DAN (lights cigarette): Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we got an understanding.
ROGER: We're on a mission from God.

* * *

SCENE - THE NIGHTINGALE

(The Griffon Bluesmobile beautifully executes a 180 spin into the valet area in front of the Nightingale which is one of the higher class restaurant clubs in the central dome. In the restaurant, NORMAN 'Mr. Fabulous' BURG is talking on the phone when DAN and ROGER come in.)

NORMAN: Mainly gourmet cuisine. No sir, President Gordon Rosewater no longer dines here. He's dead sir. Private dining rooms are available. (He sees DAN and ROGER.)
Oh no! I thought it was supposed to be five years. Didn't you get five years? (back into phone) Ah, no, sir, not you. And your name, sir? Beck for eight at 11:30. Thank you.
DAN: Mr. Fabulous, how marvellous it is to see you. You're looking younger than ever.
NORMAN: Wait, you guys can't come in here.
DAN: Nonsense my dear fellow, my brother and I have come to dine to celebrate my early release from the service of the city.

(ROGER peeks into a dining room and EVERYONE turns around to stare at him, acknowledging how out-of-place he is.)

NORMAN: Wait, let's talk outside. Let's have a cup of coffee outside.
DAN: Why heavens no! We seek a full meal and all the compliments of the house. Come, Roger, let us adjourn ourselves to the nearest table and overlook this establishment's board of fare.

(DAN and ROGER enter the dining room, the phone rings)

NORMAN: Good evening, Nightingale. (to the Blues brothers) Wait! Hey! (into phone) Ah, sir, do you mind calling back in about five minutes please?

(DAN and ROGER seat themselves at a table. Two customers at the reception have missed out on their table.)

NORMAN (to customers): I'm sure we'll have a table for you in just a few minutes.

(Jake whistles, the waiters come.)

NORMAN (to couple in reception): Excuse me, won't you!
DAN (to skinny waiter): Give us a bottle of your finest champagne, five shrimp cocktails, and some bread for my brother.
WAITER: We have a Dom Perignon '71 at 120 dollars.
DAN: That'll be fine pal.

(Mr. Fabulous comes to the table, whispering.)

NORMAN: Come on, seriously you guys, the food here is really expensive. The soup is smegging ten dollars. Come on, let's go outside. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
DAN: We're putting the band back together.
NORMAN: Forget it. No way.
ROGER: We're on a mission from God.

(The food arrives amid a flurry of waiter actions to remove extra places.)

NORMAN: Hold it, Hold it. What's this?
ALEX ROSEWATER: Waiter! Sir! Please! Waiter!
NORMAN (giving up and going to other table): Yes sir, how are your salads?
ALEX: The salads are fine. It's just that, we'd ... We'd like to move to another table, away from those two gentlemen.

(DAN and ROGER link their arms around the other's to eat their shrimp.)

NORMAN: Why, have they been disturbing you?
ALEX (uppity): No. It's just that ... well, frankly, they're offensive. Smelling. I mean they smell bad.
NORMAN: Excuse me, sir, I'll see if I can locate another table for you.
ALEX: Thank-you.

(The champagne arrives, a waiter pops the cork. ROGER, with his mouth full, hands the WAITER the wrong glass.)

WAITER: Wrong glass, sir.

(ROGER signs the waiter not to bother and fill the glass. They eat and drink with a lot of noise. ROGER throws food into DAN's mouth. The Rosewater daughters are trying to keep from cracking up at the two men. DAN moves over to the other table and points to the girls at the table. They all look like ANGEL at various ages, although Mrs. Rosewater looks like a female ALEX.)

DAN (in a thick, fake, greasy accent): How much for the little girl? The women? How much for the women?
ALEX: What?
DAN: The women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children!
ALEX (to DAN): You're enjoying this too much, Dastun. (back to script) Maitre D! Maitre D!

(Mr. Fabulous runs back to the dining room and pulls DAN away from the ROSEWATER family.)

NORMAN: Cut it out, cut it out. The owners are gonna ask me to call the cops.
DAN: You wouldn't do that to me, would you man?
ROGER: He just got outta Dungeon, he's on parole. You can't call the cops on him man.
DAN: We're putting the band back together.
NORMAN: I said no. Absolutely not.

(Again, DAN leans over to the other table, slaps ALEX on the back, who nearly chokes.)

DAN: Yo! How much for your wife? BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

(He turns back to Mr. Fabulous.)

DAN: We're putting the band back together. We need you, man, we need your horn.
NORMAN: I can't, I really can't.
ROGER: We got everybody except Mike 'Coney' Schwarzwald and 'Blue Oliver' and we're getting them next.
NORMAN: No way.
DAN: If you say no, Roger and I will come here for breakfast, lunch and dinner, every day of the week.

(ROGER punctuates the threat by slamming a mound of bread in his face to eat it.)

NORMAN (gives up): Okay, okay. I'll play, you got me.

(DAN and ROGER leave the restaurant, Mr. Fabulous sits down at their table. He picks up the empty champagne bottle then shoves it upsidedown into the ice bucket, completely ignoring ALEX ROSEWATER.)

ALEX: Sir? Sir. Sir. Sir? Sir!

* * *

SCENE - PARADIGM NAZIS

(DAN and ROGER are in the Bluesmobile. They get stuck in traffic because of a Nazi demonstration which is being protested against by a wide variety of Outside folks.)

GENERAL GAUSS: White Men! White women! The swastika is calling you. The Jew is using the Black as muscle against you. And you are left there helpless. Well, what are you going to do about it, whitey? Just sit there? Of course not. You, are going to join with us. The members of the Paradigm Socialist White Peoples Party. An organization of decent, law abiding white folk. Just like you. (he begins their anthem) I pledge allegiance to Adolf Hitler!
NAZIS: I pledge allegiance to Adolf Hitler!
GAUSS: Immortal leader of our race!
NAZIS: The immortal leader of our race!
GAUSS: And to the order for which he stands!
NAZIS: And to the order for which he stands!
GAUSS: One great cause...
NAZIS: One great cause...
GAUSS: ...sacred and invincible.
NAZIS: ...sacred and invincible.

(A patrolling military police officer passes the Bluesmobile.)

DAN: Hey, what's going on?
OFFICER: Ah, those bums won their courtcase so they're marching today.
DAN: What bums?
OFFICER: The smegging Nazi Party.
ROGER: Paradigm Nazis...
DAN: I hate Paradigm Nazis.
ROGER: Of all the things that survived the Event ...
GAUSS: Heil Hitler!
NAZIS: Heil Hitler!

(ROGER drives the car up to the bridge, towards the Nazis. They stand their ground.)

GAUSS: Tenhuit!

(ROGER speeds up - he has a demented leer - and plays chicken with them. The Nazis stand their ground. But then at the last moment, the Griffon Bluesmobile changes into Big O and stomps on the end of the bridge, shattering it and sending the Nazis into the water. They splash around as the protesters cheer on their humiliation while Big O changes back and drives on.)

GAUSS: Gruppenfuhrer?
ALAN GABRIEL: Yes, sir?
GAUSS: Gruppenfuhrer, get that Megadeus' license plate number. We're gonna kill that son of a smeghead.

* * *

SCENE - GERMAN DINER

(DAN and ROGER drive to Maxwell Street, to Mike Schwarzwald's German restaurant. DORIAN WAYNERIGHT is playing back-up to John Lee Hooker outside [author makes a sign of blessing to the Late Mr. Hooker], who is performing 'Boom-Boom'. The Blues Brothers get in and sit at the counter. The waitress comes out, her eyes closed due to blindness, but she moves about the diner without hesitation.)

LAURA: Help you, boys?
ROGER: How'd she know what we are?
DAN (headsmacks his brother): Magic, Roger, she's got a script.
ROGER: I thought it was your Eu de Skunk.
DAN: As opposed to your Eu de Roadkill.
ROGER (to LAURA): Got any white bread?
LAURA: Yes.
ROGER: I'll have some toasted white bread, please.
LAURA: You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?
ROGER: No ma'am, dry.
DAN: You got any fried chicken?
LAURA: Best damn chicken in the city!
DAN: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
LAURA: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
DAN: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
ROGER: And some dry white toast, please.
LAURA: Y'all want anything to drink with that?
ROGER: No ma'am.
DAN: A Coke.
LAURA: Be up in a minute.

(She goes to the kitchen, where Mike 'Coney' SCHWARZWALD and 'Blue OLIVER' Marini are busy over the grill or washing the dishes.)

LAURA: We got two smellies out there dressed in rancid old mothballed clothes.
SCWARZWARD: Say what?
LAURA: They sound like they're from the CIA or something.
SCHWARZWALD: They're after the Truth!
OLIVER: Isn't that the name of your cat?
SCHWARZWALD: SHADDAP! (to LAURA) What they wanna eat?
LAURA: The sober one wants white bread, toast, dry with nothing on it.
SCHWARZWALD: Roger!
LAURA: And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a Coke.
SCHWARZWALD: And Dan! Smeg, the Blues Brothers!

(He walks out to the counter.)

SCHWARZWALD: Hi, Dan, you lapdog.
DAN: Schwarzwald, how you doing?
SCHWARZWALD: Hi, Roger, you corrupt dog. How ya doing? How was Dungeon?
DAN: Oh it was bad. Thursday night they'd serve a wicked tomato soup.
SCHWARZWALD: Can't be as bad as the cabbage roll at the Federal Pen.
ROGER: Or that oatmeal at the Military Police slammer.
SCHWARZWALD: Well, they're all pretty bad.
DAN: Schwarzwald, me and Roger, we're putting the band back together. We need you and Blue Oliver.
SCHWARZWALD: Oh man, don't talk that way round here. My old lady, she'll kill me - and then I won't discover the Truth.
OLIVER (from kitchen): She's being a Good Girl in the catbox.
SCHWARZWALD: SHUT YOUR HOLE!
ROGER: Ma'am, you gotta understand that this is a lot bigger than any domestic problems you might be experiencing.
LAURA: Mike, what the hell is he talking about?
SCHWARZWALD: Don't get roused sugar.
LAURA: Don't you 'Don't get roused sugar' me! Now you not going back on the road no more, and you ain't playing no more two bit sleazy dives. You're living with me now, and you're not gonna go sliding around with your old corrupt hoodlum friends.
SCHWARZWALD: But babe, this is Dan and Roger, the Blues Brothers.
LAURA: The Blues Brothers?! Smeg - they still owe you money, fool!
DAN: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Schwarzwald here to do was a holy thing?
ROGER: You see, we're on a mission from God.
LAURA: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! Now this is my man and my restaurant and you two are gonna just walk right out that door, without ya dry white toast, without ya four fried chickens and without Mike 'Coney' Schwarzwald!
SCHWARZWALD: Now you listen to me. I love you, but I'm the man and you are the woman. And I'll make the decisions concerning my life and the pursuit of the Truth.
OLIVER: Have you tried catnip toys?
SCHWARZWALD: ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU, HORN-BOY - !!!
LAURA (slapping SCHWARZWALD to get his attention): You better think about what you're saying. You better think about the consequences of your actions.
SCHWARZWALD: Oh, shut up, woman!

(LAURA and three of the female diners start dancing and singing at SCHWARZWALD. During the song, OLIVER takes his hair out of his hairnet and jumps up on the counter to play his saxophone. DAN and ROGER eventually join the dance near the end.)

LAURA (singing) (with background singers):
You better think (think)
think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think),
let your mind go, let yourself be free
Let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on back when
I didn't even know you,
you couldn't have been too much more than ten
I ain't no psychiatrist,
I ain't no doctor with a degree
It don't take too much IQ
to see what you're doing to me
You better think (think)
think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think),
let your mind go, let yourself be free
Oh freedom (freedom),
freedom (freedom),
freedom, yeah freedom
Freedom (freedom),
freedom (freedom),
freedom, oh freedom
Hey, think about it
You, think about it
There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't (I won't)
I was gonna change, but I'm not, to keep doing things I don't
Hey think about what you're trying to do to me
Baby, think,
let your mind go, let yourself be free
People walking around everyday, playing games that they can score
Trying to make other people lose their minds, be careful you don't lose yours
Yeah think (think)
think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (think, think),
let your mind go, let yourself be free
You need me (need me)
and I need you (don't you know)
Without each other
there ain't nothing people can do
Yeah yeah, think about me (what you're trying to do to me)
'Till the fall of the night,
think about it right now
Oh freedom (freedom),
freedom (freedom),
freedom, yeah freedom
Freedom (freedom),
freedom (freedom),
freedom, freedom
Hey, you, think about it
There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't (I won't)
I was gonna change, but I'm not, if you keep doing things I don't
Yeah (think) think
about what you're trying to do to me
Baby, think (think, think),
let your mind go, let yourself be free
You need me (need me)
and I need you (don't you know)
Without each other
there ain't nothing people can do
Yeah yeah, think about me (what you're trying to do to me)
'Till the fall of the night,
think about it baby
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
You had better stop and think before you think
Think!

(Mike 'Coney' SCHWARZWALD undoes his apron, gets his guitar, and throws his apron at LAURA's feet.)

SCHWARZWALD (to the Blues bros): Let's go find the Truth.

(OLIVER watches them leave the restaurant, then gazes at LAURA expectantly.)

LAURA: Well, go ahead, damn it!
OLIVER: But Laura -
LAURA: We're not together in this movie, remember?
OLIVER: Oh, yeah, right.

(OLIVER runs after the Blues Brother and SCHWARZWALD.)

LAURA: Smeg!

* * *

SCENE - ANGEL AT WORK

(ANGEL just finished filing papers in Rosewater's office and turned the main lights off. She slips behind the large, executive desk and pulls out a very large manual for a flame-thrower, picking up in her reading.)

* * *

SCENE - INSTRO'S MUSIC EXCHANGE

(DAN, ROGER, and the band enter Instro's Music Exhange. They look around. INSTRO lifts up the partition window.)

INSTRO: Pardon me, but we do have a strict policy concerning the handling of the instruments. An employee of Instro's Music Exchange must be present. Now, may I help you?
DAN: Instro, it's me, Dungeon Dan. I once rented some column speakers from you for my band, the Blues Brothers.
MIGUEL: Hey, Instro it's me, Miguel of Miguel and the Magic-Tones. Remember me? I bought three Fender amps.
INSTRO: Oh, we sell a lot of amplifiers.
MIGUEL: Not like these, they were beautiful. Upholstered with thick red shag.
DALE: The poofy speakers, Instro.
INSTRO: Oh right, right. I remember now. As a matter of fact I buy 'em all back for 350 a piece.
MIGUEL: 350? I paid 800 each not six months ago.
INSTRO: Oh, well you know, depreciation man.
DAN: Instro, we're here to buy stuff. We need pianos, amps, mics, the works.

(A boy comes in and tries to steal a guitar. INSTRO pulls a pistol and fires into the wall, above the boy's head.)

INSTRO: Now go on! Git! (the boy runs off) It breaks my clockwork heart, a boy that young goin' bad.

MIGUEL: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
INSTRO: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city of Paradigm.
DAN: How much?
INSTRO: Two thousand bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact I'll throw in the black keys for free.
DAN: Two thousand for this chunk o'crud? Come on, Instro.
MIGUEL (playing on the piano): I mean, really, Instro, it's used. There's no action left in this keyboard.

(INSTRO comes out from behind the counter, he sits at the piano.)

INSTRO: Excuse me, I don't think there's anything wrong with the action on this piano.

(INSTRO plays, the band plays with him, outside the crowd starts dancing.)

INSTRO (singing):
Well I heard about the fellow you've been dancing with
All over the neighborhood
So why didn't you ask me baby
Or didn't you think I could?
Well I know that the boogaloo is out of sight
but the shingaling's the thing tonight
But if that was you and me a now baby
I would have shown you how to do it right
Do it right (Uh-huh)
Do it right (Do it right)
Dot it right
Do it right
Do it right
Aaah
Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby
Hey we gonna loop de loop
Shake it out baby
Hey we gonna loop de la
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Aaah
Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby
Hey we gonna loop de loop
Shake it out baby
Hey we gonna loop de la
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather
Aaah
Come on, come on baby
Come on, yeah, come on babe, alright
Do the twist
Do the fly
Do the swim
And do the bird
Well do the duck
Aaah, and do the monkey
Hey hey, watusi
And a what about the food
Do the mashed potato
What about the boogaloo
Oh, the bony marony
Come on let's do the twist
Aaah
Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby

(The song ends. The crowd outside cheers. DAN and ROGER sit with INSTRO at the piano.)

DAN: Okay man, we'll take these axes.
INSTRO: Naturally. And as usual, I gotta take an I-O-U.

(DAN and ROGER try to nonchalantly appear 'not-guilty'.)

* * *

SCENE - PHONECALL

(The Blues Brothers and the band stop their cars at a roadside restaurant, they get out of their cars. John Lee Hooker's 'Boogie Chillun' is playing softly in the background.)

DAN: You guys go on inside get yourselves a bite. I've got to make a phone call.
NORMAN: Now, Dan, does this phone call concern our first gig?
DAN: Have I ever lied to you?

(Several of the band members look at each other. Someone gags SCHWARZWALD to not scream about 'lies' and 'the Truth'. DAN and ROGER walk to a pay phone booth.)

ROGER: What are we gonna do, man? We don't got no gig.
DAN: How much money you got?
ROGER: I got a quarter.
DAN: That's enough for a phone call, come on.

(They both squeeze into the phone booth.)

DAN: What are you doing, Roger?
ROGER: You said we were gonna make a call.
DAN: I said I was gonna make a call.
ROGER: Who you gonna call, Dan?

[AUTHOR INTERRUPTS - "Ghostbusters!!!"]

DAN: Remember Gordon Rosewater?
ROGER: Rosewater, the booking agent? I thought he was dead.
DAN: He's alive. Barely.
ROGER: What about him?
DAN: Well, he got us some good showcases in the old days. He got us the Central Park, he got us the Speakeasy, I got him laid, he owes me.
ROGER: Give it a shot.

(ANGEL drives up and attacks the phone booth with a flamethrower. A propane tank next to the phone booth, labeled 'Positively No Smoking - Propane' explodes. The explosion launches the phone booth into the air, with DAN and ROGER in it, and then smashes to the ground, while the ANGEL disappears. DAN and ROGER get up, there are coins scattered all over the ground.)

ROGER: Hey, Dan, there's gotta be at least seven dollars worth of change here.

(DAN reaches over and begins scraping up the coins.)

* * *

SCENE - PARADIGM NAZI HEADQUARTERS

(GENERAL GAUSS sits at his desk, ALAN GABRIEL knocks on the door.)

GAUSS: Yeah?
ALAN: Sir.
GAUSS: What'd you find out?
ALAN: Okay. I called a *giggle* friend at the motor vehicle department. That licence plate is like a rash all over the computer. The car belongs to a known traffic menace.
GAUSS: What's his name?
ALAN: His name is Roger Blues. He's got a record a mile long. And he's an outside dweller.
GAUSS: Did you get his address?
ALAN: Of course, 161st Street and River Avenue.
GAUSS: Let's go.

(The Nazis pull up in front of the ruins of Yankee Stadium.)

GAUSS: Anybody with that kind of record is gonna make a mistake. I want all party members in the known world to monitor the Military Police on their CB. Mr. Blues is gonna smeg up. And when he does, he'd better pray the Military Police get to him before we do.

* * *

SCENE - ROSCOE'S COUNTRY BUNKER (near Electric City)

(The Blues Brothers and the band are in the car. 'Boogie Chillun' resumes playing.)

NORMAN: Alright man, we've been in this car for three hours now. Where the hell is this place?
DAN: I told you it would take a little while to get there.
MIGUEL: What's the name of the place?
DAN: Ah, the name of the place... (He sees a neon sign saying 'Roscoe's Country Bunker') ...is ah, Roscoe's Country Bunker. Here we are.
ROGER (incredulously): Roscoe's Country Bunker?

(They park the car and get out to look at the obvious redneck bar.)

NORMAN: Dan, the sign says 'Tonight only, The Mad Scientist Project'.
DAN: Blues Brothers. It should read 'Tonight only, The Blues Brothers triumphant return.' Must be some kind of mistake. You guys unload the stuff. Roger, come with me.

(DAN and ROGER get in and look around, confirming that it is indeed a redneck bar. They seat themselves at the bar. KELLY FITZGERALD approaches them, her big red hair threatening to get caught in the ceiling fans.)

KELLY: Well now what can I get you, boys? Are ya thirsty, ya hungry, or you just driving through? Maybe you'd like a beer or something a little harder? Hey, you know we happen to make the area's best tomato soup.
DAN (going into a trucker accent): No, thank you ma'am. We may be sucking back a few beers a little later on. We'll be here all night. You see, we're the band.
KELLY: You are? Oh gee, that's nice. Hey, Roscoe! This is the band!
ROSCOE: Alright!
ROGER (uneasy): Ah... what kind of music do you usually have here?
KELLY: Oh we got both kinds. We got Country and Western. (serves them beers)
ROGER: Dan, are you sure this is the place?
DAN: Yeah, yeah sure, sure this is the place.
ROSCOE: Hi. (slaps ROGER's back and causing him to spill beer) You the Mad Scientist Project?
DAN: That's us. The rest of the band's out in the parking lot getting our stuff together.
ROSCOE: Well, I'm sure glad to have you boys here. I'm Roscoe and this here is my place.
DAN: Well, its a beautiful place, Roscoe.

(The band comes in, looking around in shock.)

ROSCOE: I guess you boys wanna get your steel guitars and everything set up on the stage don't ya. Kelly, get over there and turn those stage lights on and get these boys going up there.

(KELLY switches the lights on. The stage appears to be screened off with chicken wire.)

OLIVER (in disbelief): Chicken wire ... ???

(Later on, the place is filled with talking and drinking rednecks. ROGER holds a list with requests.)

ROGER: Man, I don't think we know any of the songs on this list.
DAN: Oh this list doesn't mean anything, they're just requests. We'll do our regular set.
MIGUEL: Gimme some lovin. 1, 2...
DAN: 1, 2, 3, 4 -

(The band breaks into a rock-blues riff, all of them wearing sunglasses.)

ROGER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we're sure glad to be here in Kokomo tonight. We're the Mad Scientist Blues Brothers Project Band from Paradigm City. I sure hope you like our show. I'm Roger, this here's my brother Dan.

DAN (singing):
Well my temperature's rising and my feet on the floor
Twenty people rockin' and they wanna go more
Let me in baby, I don't know what you've got
but you'd better take it easy, this place is hot
So glad we made it

(The crowd yells at the band, and start hurling bottles at the stage.)

ROSCOE: That ain't no Hank Williams song. (He switches the stage lights off, the band stops playing.)

DAN (singing):
So glad we made it
You gotta
Gimme some lovin'

MIGUEL: I think you hit the lights!
TIM: Maybe they blew a fuse?
OLIVER: I don't think so man. Those lights are off on purpose.
ROGER: Okay we gotta figure out something these people like and fast.
MIGUEL: Hey I got it. Remember the theme from 'Rawhide'?
ROGER: The old favorite. Rowdy Yates.
MIGUEL: What key?
ROBERT: A. Good country key.
ROGER: Rawhide in A.

(Band plays 'Rawhide' theme. DAN is serious or angry, can't really tell. The rednecks continue throwing beer bottles at the wire. DAN picks up the whip near the end of the song and snaps it, in the process tearing a cigarette from a waitress' mouth.)

ROGER (and DAN singing) (with band doing background vocals):
Though the streams are swollen
Keep them doggies rolling
Rawhide
Rain and wind and weather
Hell bent for leather
Wishing my girl was by my side
All the things I'm missin'
Good victuals, love and kissin'
are waiting at the end of my ride
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Head 'em up (Move 'em up)
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Rawhide
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Ride 'em in (Cut 'em out)
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Rawhide
Keep movin' movin' movin'
Though they're disapprovin'
Keep them doggies moving
Rawhide
Don't try to understand them
Just rope, throw and brand them
Soon we'll be living high and wide
My heart's calculating
My true love will be waiting
be waiting at the end of my ride
Move 'em up (Head 'em up)
Head 'em up (Move 'em on)
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Rawhide
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Ride 'em in (Cut 'em out)
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Rawhide
Yah!
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Head 'em up (Move 'em on)
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Rawhide
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Ride 'em in (Cut 'em out)
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Rawhide
Yah!
Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Yah!
Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Yah!
Rawhide
Yah! Rawhide!

(Crowd goes wild. Bottles are thrown.)

ROGER: Theme from the TV show Rawhide. Thank-you.
DAN: Now we'd like to do a favorite of the horn section. We hope it's one of yours.

ROGER and DAN (singing):
Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
And if you love him
O be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
when nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep givin' all the love you can
Baby, stand by your man

DAN (at the end of the night): Well folks it's time to call it a night. Do what you feel and keep both feet on the wheel. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. So till next time ... (He turns to the band)

ROGER and DAN (singing):
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Head 'em up (Move 'em on)
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Rawhide
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Ride 'em in (Cut 'em out)
Cut 'em out (Ride 'em in)
Rawhide

Band: RAWHIDE!

DAN: Let's get the hell outta here.

(They start collecting their stuff, ROSCOE comes to the stage.)

ROSCOE: Smeg, I'm gonna tell you boys that's some of the best God damn music we've had in the Country Bunker in a long time.
ROGER: Well uh ... sorry we couldn't remember the 'Wreck of the Ol' Ninety-Seven'.
ROSCOE: Oh well hell you guys can learn it next time when ya come back.
DAN: Roscoe, about our money for tonight.
ROSCOE: That's right. Uh, 200 dollars, and you boys drank 300 dollars worth of beer.
ROGER: Uh well like, when we first come in the bar lady never charged us for the first round so like we figured you know beer was like complimentary for the band, you know.

(ROSCOE shakes his head.)

ROSCOE: Uh, hu hu, Uh-Uh.
DAN: Well I'll just go and take up a collection from the boys.
ROSCOE: Well I tell ya, I sure would appreciate it.

(The Blues Brothers walk to the cars. Meanwhile the band is discussing the gig.)

TIM: I say this trip is no where man. I say we gotta quit.
MIGUEL: What? Quit? Well I wish you guys would make up your mind. Otherwise I've gotta call Mr Ronzinni at the Holiday Inn and get our old gig back.
BONNIE: Back at the Armada room?

(TIM shrugs. DAN and ROGER come up.)

DAN: Listen. They want us to pay for the beer we drank, so you guys better split. The next gig is gonna be dynamite, huge, you'll see.

(He and ROGER walk away to the Bluesmobile.)

TIM: I say we give the Blues Brothers just one more chance.
ROBERT: Why not? If the sh** fits, wear it. Scoot over, god-damn-it.

(The band leaves, peeling out of the dirt lot.)

ROGER: The boys look a little upset. Hey man, don't worry, we got a couple of days. We'll get the Penguin's tax money. I mean look, we got an appointment to see Mr. Rosewater tomorrow. Everything's gonna be alright. Let's skate.

(An RV pulls into the parking lot, it appears to be the Mad Scientist Project. DAN and ROGER walk towards them. Among them is Eugene Grant [ep 8], Sven Moresky [ep 3], the Crazy Santa [ep 11], and Geisang [ep 6].)

DAN: Excuse me gentlemen, are you the Mad Scientist Project?
EUGENE: Yeah, that's right, I'm Eugene Grant, lead singer, driver of the Winnebago. Listen, I'd like to talk to you buddy, but we're running very late.

(DAN holds up a crunched cigarette packet, as though it were an ID badge.)

DAN: My name is Daniel Stein, the Federation of Musicians Union local 200. I've been sent here to see if you gentlemen are carrying your permits.
EUGENE: Our what? We've experimented without them before.
DAN: Your union cards. May I see your cards please?
EUGENE: Suppose we don't have union cards and we go in there and start playing anyway and experimenting on patrons. Now what you gonna do about that? You gonna stop us, Stein? You're gonna look pretty funny trying to go to the bathroom with your head implanted up your -

(The other scientists giggle madly, some more than others.)

DAN: Listen, let me talk to Roscoe, the owner, see if we can put your band on contract waivers for tonight. I don't want you to move from this spot. Just let me handle this.
ROGER: We'll ah ... we'll talk to Roscoe.

(DAN and ROGER walk away, ROSCOE comes to the parking lot.)

DAN: Get in the car and start her up.
ROGER: It's a him.
DAN: I don't care if it's a 'shim', just do it.

(ROGER walks to the car, DAN claps his hands and walks to ROSCOE.)

ROSCOE: You know you boys owe me a lot over money for that beer you drank tonight.
DAN: Roscoe, we loved playing here tonight. My brother's writing out a check to cover the extensive bartab.
ROSCOE: Well, I sure would appreciate it.
DAN: I'd better check up, see how he's doing. See, I have to sign it too. I usually sit in the car and write it out on the glove compartment lid. Okay?

(He walks to the Bluesmobile, which ROGER starts up.)

DAN: I need a pencil!

(When DAN gets in the Bluesmobile, ROGER drives off.)

EUGENE: Were them guys from the union?
ROSCOE: Union? What the hell union? Those boys skipped outta here owing me a lot of money for beer. (he gazes at them) What the hell are you guys all dressed up for?
EUGENE: We're the Mad Scientist Project!
ROSCOE (in shock): You're the Mad Scientist Project?

(ROSCOE and the Mad Scientist Project pursue DAN and ROGER in ROSCOE's truck.)

EUGENE: Tellin' us we can't experiment.

(EUGENE fires a shot through the back windshield of the Bluesmobile. The brothers duck.)

ROGER: Our lady of blessed acceleration don't fail me now!

(ROSCOE and EUGENE crack up and whoop.)

(Officers DOVE and T-BONE have set up a road watch behind a billboard saying 'Cast in the Name of God, Ye Not Guilty'. DAN and ROGER drive by very fast.)

DOVE: I don't believe it, it's that shitbox-sedan again.
T-BONE: The smegheads are ours now.

(They turn on the siren and drive to the road. At the same moment ROSCOE's truck drives by, the squad car crashes right into ROSCOE's truck. It rolls over and knocks over a fire hydrant, spraying the whole accident with water. The Mad Scientist Project members climb out, the cops pull their gun on them. ROSCOE and EUGENE rise out of the overturned cab.)

ROSCOE: Holy... holy ... !
DOVE: Boys, you in big trouble. Now gimme your wallets.

* * *

SCENE - SUANA

(DAN and ROGER are talking to GORDON ROSEWATER, in a sauna.)

DAN: Gordon, you owe me. We'll play anywhere, anytime for anybody.
ROGER: Put us in the Speakeasy or the Central Park Theatre, or the Amadeus, we always knocked them dead in those joints.
GORDON: I don't know boys. I just don't know. Times have changed, you know what I mean? What are you guys gonna do? The same act? Wearing the same funeral suits? You'll scare people away. Don't you guys ever wear blue jeans or jumpsuits like Wayne Cochrane or the CC Ryders?
ROGER: Who?
GORDON: Pre-Event, don't worry about it, then.
DAN: Gordon, you gotta come through for us. We need five thousand bucks fast.
GORDON: Five thousand bucks? Who do you think you are? The Beatles?
ROGER: Who?
GORDON: Shut up. Hey, you know the size of hall you gotta work to take in that kinda money, huh?
DAN: We'll fill any hall in the city.
GORDON: You guys familiar with the Palace Hotel Ballroom?
DAN: Never heard of it.
GORDON: Nice place up in North Dome. That seats five thousand. You guys fill that place you can make five thousand bucks easy.
DAN: Book us for tomorrow night.
GORDON: Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are you talking about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.
ROGER: I know all about that stuff, I've been exploited all my life because I'm a tomato.
GORDON (leaning back): Oh forget it, there's no way with you guys. Forget about it.
DAN: Say uh, how's your son? I might have some information he'd like to know about dear old dad.
GORDON (looking up): You blackmailing me, Dan?
DAN: If you want to put it that way. Gordon, we need this gig!
ROGER: We're on a mission from God.
DAN: You get us the hall, Gordon, and I guarantee we'll pack 'em in from miles around. What do ya say?
GORDON: Okay. I'll get you the Palace Hotel. I'll print up showbills, I'll make the place look real pretty, okay? I don't think you guys are gonna gross dollar one, but if you do, I want a taste of the gig, okay?
DAN: Thanks, Gordon. Let's go boys.

(DAN, ROGER, and the band get up and leave the steam bath.)

* * *

SCENE - PRE-SHOW PREP

(At the orphanage, BIG EAR is talking to some kids.)

BIG EAR: Listen, you boys heard me talk about Dan and Roger. Well now, they used to live here just like you. And I used to sing to them just like with you. And they got turned into tomatoes just like you. Tonight, Dan and Roger are going out to sing and play to raise the money to help you children. Your lazy butts are in this, too. So get up on that wagon. We're goin' up north to put the word to the streets.

[background song: 'I'm Walking' by Fats Domino]
(DAN and ROGER are driving around advertising the gig, on the roof of the Bluesmobile is a very big megaphone.)

ROGER: Tonight only, the fabulous Blues Brothers. Rhythm and Blues revue. The Palace Hotel Ballroom. North Dome. The fabulous Blues Brothers show band and revue.
ORPHANAGE KIDS: Check it out, check it out. Tonight only the Blues Brothers rhythm and blues revue. One night only, the fabulous ...
ROGER: ...Blues Brothers show band, and revue. (yelling at passing biker) You, on the motorcycle! (yelling at two women walking) You two girls, tell your friends.
DAN: Free parking.
ROGER: Free parking. Two dollar cover charge only folks. That's a lot of entertainment.
DAN: For two dollars.
ROGER: For two dollars.

(In the German Cafe, a kid comes to LAURA with a poster promoting the show.)

KID: Will you please put this in the window lady, 'cause it's real important.

(LAURA pins it up upsidedown. Later on REV. BECK and INSTRO are putting the posters on their walls, INSTRO translates it to android code.)

ROGER: Tonight only. The fabulous Blues Brothers rhythm and blues revue for your dancing pleasure. (since they are driving through the recreation dome along the beach and are surrounded by rich teenage girls in bikinis) And it's ladies night, tonight. At the Palace Hotel Ballroom.

(Meanwhile in a men's room, EUGENE GRANT reads an anouncement written on the wall.)

EUGENE: Tonight only the Blues Brothers genuine rhythm and blues show and revue. Palace Hotel Ballroom. Tonight only. (giggles madly)

(Back to the brothers - )

ROGER: How we doing?
DAN: We've covered the entire city. We're in the south section now.
ROGER: Good, let's get to the gig.

(The engine splutters and the car dies.)

DAN: What is it?
ROGER: We're outta gas.
DAN: Oh smeg.

(Meanwhile, the Blues Brothers Band arrives at the Palace Hotel Ballroom.)

MIGUEL: Oh a classic. What a room. This place is gonna swing tonight.
NORMAN: It's a smegging barn. We'll never fill it.
BIG EAR (appearing): We've gotta fill this hall tonight. A lot of young children are depending on it.
BONNIE: Young children? Why, what do ya mean?

(ROGER and DAN have pushed the car to a gas station.)

OWNER: We're outta gas.
ROGER: Yep, mind if we fill him up?
OWNER: Nope. I said we're outta gas. Tanker truck's late. Shoulda been here two hours ago. Yeah... It's always late on Thursdays.
ROGER: Well ah... I'll guess we'll have to wait.
OWNER: Yeah.

(The band warms up. SCHWARZWALD is running around the hall, yelling about finding the Truth.)

BONNIE: How long are you gonna make him do that?
OLIVER: Keeps him harmlessly occupied and not setting things on fire.
TIM: Yes, he burned down the Expo Hall last time.

(A gray cat comes up to the group and meows.)

OLIVER: Hey, look, it's Truth!

(The group jumps up and screams, running.)

(While ROGER is stuffing his jacket full of five-finger discount fan belts, a redheaded girl - DOROTHY WAYNERIGHT - arrives in a sportscar.)

DOROTHY: Excuse me sir. (ROGER points at himself and she nods) Yes you, could you fill it up with premium please and check under the hood?
ROGER (trying to be cool): Sure ... you uh want I should uh, wash the dead bugs of the windshield?
DOROTHY: Oh no, don't worry. I'm in kind of a hurry.

(In the Palace Hotel Ballroom, BIG EAR is staring at his watch.)

BIG EAR: Where the hell are they?

(Back to the gas station - )

ROGER: So uh... maybe you'd like to ah... come by and see the show?
DOROTHY: Oh, I'm awfully sorry but I do have a negotiation I have to get to.

(The tanker arrives. Meanwhile at the police station, someone hands Officer R. FREDERICK O'RIELLY a flyer for the show. He reads it and picks up the phone.)

O'RIELLY: Thanks Marvin. Debbie, get me troopers Dove and T-Bone.

(In the Palace Hotel Ballroom, ROSCOE and the Mad Scientist Project are in the audience. They're carrying various scientific equipment used for torture purposes - although Eugene has a Pero-Chimera and ROSCOE has an axe handle.)

ROSCOE: I don't see those Blues Brothers.
EUGENE: We'll wait.

(At the gas station - )

ROGER: Okay, you're all set. That'll be... 94 dollars.
DOROTHY: Here's 95. Thank you, Roger.
ROGER: Okay and uh... that's a dollar change.
DOROTHY: Oh, keep the change.
ROGER: Oh thanks. Uh... so look uh, if your negotiation gets done early tonight for any reason uh... there's a motel up on the interstate, ah... maybe we can say uh, meet... around uh, midnight?
DOROTHY: You are a louse, Roger Blues.
ROGER: I'm totally open to human-android relations, I'm being serious.
DOROTHY: I'll think about it, Roger, okay?
ROGER: Yeah. Bye.

(DOROTHY drives off. DAN looks at his watch and spills the last few mouthfuls of cheap wine out of the bottle in his hand.)

DAN: Son of a - (he throws the bottle to the ground and goes to hit ROGER) Come on!
ROGER (looking at his hit arm): Ow!

* * *

SCENE - THE SHOW

(At the Palace Hotel Ballroom, the band is waiting for DAN and ROGER. The audience gets very impatient, they clap and yell for the show to start.)

SCHWARZWALD: I always liked to perform for angry mobs who want to suppress the Truth!
BIG EAR: You can't quit now.
MIGUEL: What can they be doing?

(DAN and ROGER park the Bluesmobile in a a sewer entrance.)

DAN: Ow, my head hurts. That Night Train is a B-wine.
ROGER: You'd better get right pal, we've got a show to do. Then we gotta figure out some way to collect the gate money and get it to the Paradigm City Assessors Office, as soon as they open in the morning.

(At the Palace Hotel Ballroom, the crowd is getting uglier.)

AUDIENCE: We want the show! We want the show! We want the show!

(AUTHOR INTERRUPTION: "We want the show! Angel is a hoe! Oops, wrong movie, hee-hee, carry on ... ")

Norman (raises arms in surrender): Gentlemen, I'm leaving.
TIM (throws drumsticks): Damm, we were so close.
BIG EAR: Hey you guys know Minnie the Moocher?
MIGUEL: I knew a hooker once named Minnie Gonzalaz.
BIG EAR: No, the song Minnie the Moocher.
BONNIE: Yeah, so what?
BIG EAR: Hit it!

[song: 'Minnie The Moocher' performed by the Spirit of Cab Calloway and the Blues Brothers Band, dressed up in white tuxes and in a chic nightclub setting).

BIG EAR posssessed by Cab Calloway [author makes a sign of blessing] (singing):
Hey folks here's the story 'bout Minnie the Moocher
She was a lowdown hoochie coocha
She was the roughest toughest frail
But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale
Hidehidehidehi (Hidehidehidehi)
Hodehodehodeho (Hodehodehodeho)
Hedehedehedehe (Hedehedehedehe)
Hidehidehideho (Hidehidehideho)
She messed around with a bloke named Smokie
She loved him though he was cokey
He took her down to Chinatown
and showed her how to kick the gong around
Hidehidehidehi (Hidehidehidehi)
Whoah (Whoah)
Hedehedehedehe (Hedehedehedehe)
A hidehidehideho (Hidehidehideho)
She had a dream about the king of Sweden
He gave her things that she was needin'
He gave her a home built of gold and steel
A diamond car with platinum wheels
A hidehidehidehidehidehidehi (Hidehidehidehidehidehidehi)
Hodehodehodehodehodehodeho (Hodehodehodehodehodehodeho)
... (...)
[Verses cut out due to content]
... (...)
He gave her his townhouse and his racing horses
Each meal she ate was a dozen courses
Had a million dollars worth of nickels and dimes
She sat around and counted them all a million times
Hidehidehidehi (Hidehidehidehi)
Hodehodehodeho (Hodehodehodeho)
Hedehedehedehe (Hedehedehedehe)
Hidehidehideho (Hidehidehideho)
[Three more verses edited out for content]

(Meanwhile, DAN and ROGER come across the Mad Scientist Project's Winnebago. ROGER gets in and glues down the accelerator. He gets out.)

ROGER: This is glue. Strong stuff.

(DAN breaks the Fourth Wall to make a face of 'Is he kiddin' me?')

CAB (singing):
Poor Min, poor Min, poor Miiiiinnnn ...

(Audience goes wild. The band bows and they get transformed back into their regular clothes. The military police arrive at the Palace Hotel Ballroom.)
T-BONE: Okay, let's take them.
O'RIELLY: Now wait a minute. I never even heard these boys sing. Alright?
DOVE: Alright. They're not going no place.
O'RIELLY: Alright, cover all exits, let's go. Come on, hurry up. Move it.

(DAN and ROGER get in through the window of the ladies room, this causes a lot of screaming.)

DAN (all business): Excuse us.
ROGER (mostly business, but trying to sneak a peek): Good evening ladies.

(O'RIELLY and the officers DOVE and T-BONE seat themselves at a table.)

O'RIELLY: Who wants an oil whip? Oil whip? Oil whip? Three oil whips!
DOVE: But -

(VERA shows up, wearing a corset and stockings, drenched in oil and weilding her whip. DOVE jumps into T-BONE's arms like a scared rabbit.)

O'RIELLY: Not you! You already did your part, now go away!

(VERA sulks off dejectedly.)

(DAN and ROGER walk boldly into the hall entry, then see the cops all over place - pulling the curtains back quickly before they are spotted. They part the curtains enough to try to get BIG EAR's attention. BIG EAR spots them, studies their sign language of them going backstage to enter, then he announces the Blues Brothers. The band plays 'Can't Turn Me Loose' [the signature riff].)

BIG EAR: And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction. Here they are, back after their exclusive three year tour of Electric City and the wastelands. Won't you welcome the show band of 'Dungeon' Dan and Roger Blues, the Blues Brothers.

(DAN and ROGER enter the stage. DAN uncuffs ROGER, who takes his harmonica out of his briefcase, he shows it to the audience. DAN does a forward flip and lands besides ROGER, the music ending. There's no applause, the audience is silent, waiting for them to make it up for being late.)

DAN: 1, 2, 1 2 3 4 -

ROGER: We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Paradigm City's Law Enforcement Community who have chosen to join us here at the Place Hotel Ballroom at this time. We certainly hope you all enjoy the show, and please remember people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there's still some things that make us all the same. You, me, them, everybody, everybody.

DAN and ROGER (singing):
Everybody needs somebody
Everybody needs somebody to love (someone to love)
Sweetheart to miss (sweetheart to miss)
Sugar to kiss (sugar to kiss)

(Audience starts clapping, cheering, and singing along with them.)

DAN and ROGER (singing):
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you In the morning
I need you you you When my soul's on fire

(ROGER starts playing harmonica)

Sometimes I feel
I feel a little sad inside
When my baby mistreats me
I never never never have a place to hide
I need you
Sometimes I feel
I feel a little sad inside
When my baby mistreats me
I never never never have a place to hide
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you

ROGER (speaking):
You know people when you do find that somebody
Hold that woman, hold that man
Love him, hold him, squeeze her, please her, hold her
Squeeze and please that person, give 'em all your love
Signify your feelings with every gentle caress
Because it's so important to have that special somebody
to hold, kiss, miss, squeeze and please

DAN (singing):
Everybody needs somebody
Everybody needs somebody to love
Someone to love
Sweetheart to miss
Sugar to kiss
I need you you you
I need you you you
I need you you you ...

DAN (speaking): Thank you. That was for Wilson Pickett. This is dedicated to the late great Magic Sam.

(Spotlight hits SCHWARZWALD's bandaged fingers as he strums out a bluesy riff.)

DAN and ROGER (singing):
Come on
Oh baby don't you wanna go
Come on
Oh baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home Chicago
Come on
Baby don't you wanna go
Hidehey
Baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Oh sweet home Chicago

ROGER:
Well, one and one is two
Six and two is eight

BOTH:
Come on baby don't ya make me late
Hidehey
Baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home Chicago
Come on
Baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home Chicago

ROGER:
Six and three is nine
Nine and nine is eighteen
Look there brother baby and see what I've seen

(Points to O'RIELLY, who is DAN's probabtion officer. O'RIELLY gently smiles and waves back at them, making DAN hesitate in his vocals.)

BOTH:
Hidehey
Baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home Chicago
Oh come on
Baby don't you wanna go
Come on
Baby don't you wanna go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home Chicago

(The band begins playing a long instrumental, the crowd jumping and dancing and clapping along to the music. ROGER and Dan dance around on stage, then dance off stage left.)

* * *
SCENE - ESCAPE FROM THE HOTEL BALLROOM

(Backstage they run into a guy in a suit who looks like a Mafioso.)

DAN: Oh Christ! Now the Mafia is after us!
ROGER: Of all the things to survive the Event ...
SUIT: You guys are great. I've got to record you.
DAN: Bullfeathers.
SUIT: Bullfeathers? I don't deal in bullfeathers. I'm president of Paradigm Records, the largest recording company in the city.
DAN: So what?
ROGER: We spit on Paradigm.
SUIT: Here's 10,000 dollars. An advance on your first recording session.

(He gives DAN the cash. He counts it and looks at ROGER.)

SUIT: Is it a deal?
DAN: Yeah, sure it's a deal.
ROGER: Paradigm - (DAN elbows him in ribs) Yeah, yeah, sure... Sure it's a deal. Ah, listen, all these cops out here, they're sorta waiting for us. We gotta get outta here without nobody seeing us. Do you know a back door outta this place?
SUIT: Sure. I used to be head bouncer here twenty years back. There's an electrical service duct right behind your drummer's riser.
DAN: Listen, do us a favor. Take 1400 dollars and give it to Instro's Music Exchange in the Music District. Give the rest to the band.
SUIT: You got it.
DAN: Thanks. Bye.
ROGER: Bye.
DAN: Bye.

(They crawl back to the stage. They get into the service duct behind TIM, who notices them and pauses in playing.)

DAN: Me and Roger are gonna make a break for it. You and the band keep playing.

(TIM nods and gets back to playing.)

(In the audience - )

DOVE: Something's wrong.
O'RIELLY: Where's Dan?
EUGENE: Where'd those Blues Brothers go?

(DAN and ROGER are in the sewer.)

ROGER: I sure hope this thing leads some place and not down.
DAN: Roger, we're gone man.

(Suddenly ANGEL appears and loosens off a round of machine gun fire, looking natural in her pink catsuit. The Blues Brothers fall down to the ground.)

ROGER: Who is that girl?
ANGEL: Call me ... Angel. (to DAN) Well, Dan. You look just fine down there, slitherin' in the mud like vermin.

(DAN and ROGER look at each other.)

DAN: No problem.
ANGEL: You're not gonna get away from me this time.

(Again she loosens off a round of machine gun fire. In the Palace Hotel Ballroom, Officer R. FREDERICK O'RIELLY hears the gun.)

O'RIELLY: Check that out. Let's go. Come on.

(Back in the sewer, ANGEL pauses in shooting them.)

DAN (unsteadily getting up, very embarrassed and apologetic): It's good to see you, sweetheart.
ANGEL: You contemptible pig. I remained celibate for you. (ROGER opens his mouth to say something, but she points the gun at his head as she continues to talk to DAN) I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting in celibacy for you, with 300 friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterer in the city, even though nobody knows what real Romanian is. (ROGER sits up and becomes engrossed in her story) To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party my father used up his last favors with 'Mad' Amadeus Castligone. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you ... and your brother.

(DAN gets up, slowly he walks towards her and falls to his knees, grovelling.)

DAN: Oh please don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us. You know I love ya baby, I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.
ANGEL: You miserable slug. You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
DAN: No I didn't. Honest. I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Megadeuses! It wasn't my fault, I swear to God!

[ROGER holds up a sign reading '-2.1 on Pathetic Scale'; AUTHOR holds up a sign reading '11.3 on Wussy-Boy Scale'.]

(DAN removes his sunglasses and raises an eyebrow at her, trying to charm her with his boyish good looks.)

[ROGER holds up sign reading 'We are so dead.'; AUTHOR holds up sign reading 'Damn, I should have cast Roger for this one.']

ANGEL (melting): Oh Danny. Dan, honey.

[ROGER and AUTHOR hold up signs saying 'No accounting for taste.']

(DAN embraces ANGEL and kisses her passionately. Then he looks at ROGER.)

DAN: Let's go.

(He drops ANGEL in the mud, ROGER gets up and looks at her as DAN runs for it.)

ROGER: Take it easy.

(DAN and ROGER run to the Bluesmobile, she follows them with machine gun in hand.)

ROGER: It's a 106 miles to the Central Dome. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
DAN: Hit it!

(ROGER roars the Griffon out of the sewers. ANGEL fires at the car, the military policemen above her also start shooting at the Bluesmobile.)

* * *

SCENE - CAR CHASE

(Lots of military police squad cars and tanks pursue the Bluesmobile, also the Mad Scientist Project in their Winnebago.)

ROSCOE: Smeg man! Can't this damn thing go any faster than this?

(EUGENE notices his foot is stuck to the accelerator.)

EUGENE: Ah, Roscoe, I think I got a little problem.
ROSCOE (noticing the military police vehicle they're passing): Goddamn boy!

(They pass all the squad cars, tanks, and the Bluesmobile. ROGER notices the RV passing him and he smirks a little to himself.)

EUGENE: Smeg!
The Rest: Aaargh!

(The RV drives off the road, through a shed and into a canal.)

EUGENE: Don't you say a smegging word.

(Meanwhile, DOROTHY is waiting at the motel. She looks at her watch and sighs.)

DOROTHY: Roger Blues, you are a smeghead.

(Back in the Bluesmobile - )

ROGER (hitting steering wheel): Damn! I stood up that pretty redhead android!
DAN: Shut up, I'm trying to sleep.

(Early in the morning at the Paradigm City Military Police HQ -)

DISPATCHER: All units, we have a signal ten seven niner, officers are in pursuit, a black Sedan, southbound on four seven. Responds to signal ten seven niner. Occupants of vehicle one 'Dungeon' Dan Blues, one Roger Blues. Consider them extremely dangerous.

(GENERAL GAUSS hears the radio broadcast in the Nazi headquarters.)

GAUSS (grabbing cap): Gruppenfuhrer!

(In the Bluesmobile - )

ROGER: Hey Dan, Dan, I gotta pull over.

(In the head squad car - )

T-BONE: South bound on state highway four seven.

(The Bluesmobile drives down an embankment. Police cars follow but all crash. The head squad car steers out of control and flies over the embankement, straight in the side of a passing truck, which drives on.)

O'RIELLY (leaning over seat): Hi! Wanna hand me the mic? (DOVE - with his head under the steering wheel - hands him the CB) Thanks a lot. Hi, this is car ah ... what number are we?
T-BONE: Five, five.
O'RIELLY: Car 55. Ah, we're in a truck! Hee hee hee...

(In the Paradigm military police station - )

DISPATCHER: Signal ten seven niner still engaged. Vehicle travelling south bound, approaching Central Dome limits. Commander advisers will contact Central Dome precincts for a local intercept. Maintain pursuit.

(Military Police cars and tanks come out in full force after the Bluesmobile.)

DISPATCHER: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

(The Bluesmobile drives on Central Parkway, Central Dome, Paradigm City)

ROGER: Well this is definitely Central Parkway. If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Melissa Frasier Plaza.
DAN: That's were they got that 20 foot statue of Alex Rosewater.
ROGER: Yep.
DAN: Can we step on it?
ROGER (pondering, than shaking his head): It'd be embarassing to have to scrape some Rosewater off the foot.

(ROGER sails the Griffon over a bloackade police car; all the police cars crash into one another in an impressively large pile-up.)

COP: Son of a - !

(He fires after the Bluesmobile, other policemen also start firing. ROGER and DAN get away, they drive past an alley where the two Nazi cars are hiding.)

[AUTHOR INTERRUPTION: "The orange Pinto of Doom and the green Station Wagon of Death!"]

GAUSS: There they are.

(The Nazi cars pursue the Bluesmobile; a loud clunk is heard in the engine of the Griffon.)

ROGER: Oh no!
DAN: What the smeg was that?
ROGER: The motor. Thrown a rod.
DAN: Is that serious?
ROGER: In this form, yep.

(The engine is smoking; DAN leans out of the car trying to clean the windscreen, the Nazis fire. They drive up a raised expressway, ignoring a construction sign, where the Nazi's green station wagon stops.)

GAUSS (to ALAN): Faster!

(ROGER stops the car at the end of the unfinished bridge. He shifts it in reverse.)

ROGER: Big O - Showtime!

(The Bluesmobile transforms into Big O, stepping down to the ground carefully. The Nazi's stare in shock, not noticing the end of the road.)

ALAN: Naughty kitties - (sees end of road) BOOOGEY!!!!

(The Nazis get launched off the bridge, they fly up to the sky and start falling down. Both GAUSS and ALAN are in shock as the car quickly falls toward the ground like an anvil.)

ALAN (to GAUSS): I've always loved you.

(GAUSS stares at ALAN and scoots away. They crash, making a big hole in the street. Big O steps over it; the green Nazi car drives right into it on top of their squashed companions in the orange Pinto.)

DAN: There it is.

(They crash through an office building to get to the assessor's office building. Big O changes back into the Griffon and they park the car at the door of the building. When they get out, the Bluesmobile fals apart in pieces. They stare at it. ROGER takes his hat off in respect. DAN grabs his suit front and pulls him toward the building.)

DAN: Come on!

* * *SCENE - MELISSA FRAISER PLAZA

(DAN and ROGER enter the building and block the doors with furniture. They run up to an information desk.)

ROGER: Sir, where's the office of the Assessor of Paradigm City?
RENT-A-COP: Down the hall, turn right, take the elevator to 1102.
ROGER: Thank you sir.

(They run off. Outside the building thousands of military police men, firemen, and S.W.A.T. arrive. DAN and ROGER enter the elevator.)

[background music in the elevator: muzaked version of 'The Girl From Ipanema']

(Police and firemen enter the building and run up yelling to the same information desk, where they're all silent.)

SQUAD LEADER: Excuse me, did you see two guys come in here, black suits, black hats, one carrying a briefcase?
RENT-A-COP: Yeah, I just sent them down there.
SQUAD LEADER: Thank you.

(They all start yelling again, thousands of them run towards the elevator and then take the stairs, while DAN and ROGER arrive at the right floor.)

ROGER: Hold the door.

(While Jake holds the door, ROGER destroys the elevator's controls, using the spraycan with the glue and a cigarette lighter.)

ROGER: Let's go.

(They block the doors again using the furniture and arrive at the office. It's closed, a note on the door says 'Back in 5 minutes'. They wait, then the assessor shows up.)

ASSESSOR: May I help you?

(DAN and ROGER pick him up by his armpits and carry him back into the office.)

DAN: This is where they pay the taxes right?
ASSESSOR: Right.
ROGER (producing money): This money is for the year's assessment on the Saint Sybil of the Marble Balloon Orphanage.
DAN: Five thousand bucks, it's all there, pal.
ROGER: By the way, why aren't you played by somebody?
ASSESSOR: The author ran out of money to pay you guys, so they kept me.

(The Military Police arrive at the same floor, the door is blocked.)

OFFICER: Stand back... fire!

(Two policemen fire at the door and open it.)

(At the assessor's office - )

Assessor (signs and stamps paper): And here is your receipt.

(The military police catch up with DAN and ROGER and cuff them, cocking their guns at the back of the brothers' heads.)

* * *

SCENE - JAILHOUSE ROCK

(Later, the band performs in jail, the prisoners get crazy.)

The warden threw a party in the county jail
The prisonband was there and they began to wail
The joint was jumping and the place began to swing
You should have heard those knocked out jailbirds sing
Let's rock
Everybody let's rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone
Little Joe was blowin' on the slide trombone
The drummerboy from Illinois went crash boom bang
The whole rhythm section was the Purple Gang
Let's rock
Everybody let's rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
Well number 47 said to number 3
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see
I sure'll be delighted with your company
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me
Let's rock
Everybody let's rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They were dancing to the jailhouse rock
Let's rock!
Sad Sack was sittin' on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin' all alone
The warden said Hey buddy don't you be no square
If you can't find a partner use a wooden chair
Let's rock
Everybody let's rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
They were dancing to the jailhouse rock
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
They was dancing to, dancing to, dancing to, dancing to
Dancing to the jailhouse rock
Oh they was dancing to, dancing to, dancing to, dancing to
Dancing to the jailhouse rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
Dancing to the jailhouse rock ...

THE END (whew!)

Well that took the better part of dinner and the last hour to go through, but it was well worth it. The way you intagrated Big O and the griiffon was a nice touch, and I espically liked the angle of the varoius characters going in and out of character at times, Schwarzy's ranting about the truth, Angel and her repeated attempts to kill the brothers(espically the last scene they all have together.), and who doesn't hade Paradigm Nazis and their pintos of doom? (BTW, they really dropped that car too, no blue or greenscreen used!) The translation of Chicago to Paradigm was nice too. I had to streach my imagination when it came to the lead characters singing, mainly because the majority of the Big O cast doesn't seem that musically gifted. At least not singing wise.

Edit: If Dan Akroid knew of, and more improtantly understood Big O, I am sure he would love this work.

I've only gotten through scene 8 o.o;;

I make little comments here and there

quote:

BONNIE: Yeah. And Mike Schwarzwald went up and got himself married. DAN: Someone actually married him??? ROGER: Where is Mike 'Coney' Schwarzwald? DALE: He opened a German restaurant with his old lady on Maxwell Street, and he took Blue Oliver with him. TIM (snickering): You'll never get Mike and Mr. Fabulous outta them high payin' gigs. DAN (lights cigarette): Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we got an understanding. ROGER: We're on a mission from God.

1) Why not have it: Mike Seebach

(and them have him be called schwarzwald after he jumps into a fryer when the Blues Bros leave his dinner )

2) CONEY!! XD
3) Make it a running gag
ROGER: We're on a mission from God
TIM: Oh so you Alex Rosewater sent you guys?

That was an absolutely brillaint melding of Big O and the Blues Brothers! Loved it!

Nice job, Lady Tesser! It took me a while to get through it, but it was more than well worth it!

Took me a good portion of the weekend, because it was slightly more than just changing character names and such. I just wanted to get it done before the weekend was over. I can still see some things that coupld have been improved and done better (can never have enough in-jokes) and some of the name mess-ups I missed.

Thanks, folks. It's tempting to do a series of movie scripts with Big O characters thrown in (I had a weird idea of doing a Big O cast of 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', but I can't find the script ANYWHERE online).

That is perhaps the best crossover ever. Thank you, Lady Tesser!

and since I seem to have some requests for another big O / warhammer 40K crossover, i'll see what i can do. i doubt it will be a continuation of the first, but rather another take on it...

quote:

Originally posted by Lady Tesser Took me a good portion of the weekend, because it was slightly more than just changing character names and such. I just wanted to get it done before the weekend was over. I can still see some things that coupld have been improved and done better (can never have enough in-jokes) and some of the name mess-ups I missed. Thanks, folks. It's tempting to do a series of movie scripts with Big O characters thrown in (I had a weird idea of doing a Big O cast of 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', but I can't find the script ANYWHERE online).

Well, if you're taking requests, how about Beck and Rog's Excellent Adventure? A blond and dark-haired lead, two princesses for Dorothy and Angel to play, and Big O can stand in for the phone booth.

Lady Tesser, you have elevated fanfiction to an all new level. It was a superb example of meshing unverses together. Kudos.

quote:

Originally posted by Big Ben quote: Originally posted by Lady Tesser Took me a good portion of the weekend, because it was slightly more than just changing character names and such. I just wanted to get it done before the weekend was over. I can still see some things that coupld have been improved and done better (can never have enough in-jokes) and some of the name mess-ups I missed. Thanks, folks. It's tempting to do a series of movie scripts with Big O characters thrown in (I had a weird idea of doing a Big O cast of 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', but I can't find the script ANYWHERE online). Well, if you're taking requests, how about Beck and Rog's Excellent Adventure? A blond and dark-haired lead, two princesses for Dorothy and Angel to play, and Big O can stand in for the phone booth.

Big Ear would be perfect for the Roufus character, or even Norman would work well in that role as well.