Where to start?
2006 Has been a pretty rough year for me. For the past year, I've been seeking out who I am, and what my place is in society. I've been almost forced to in a sense; choosing which college to go to, what major, who my friends will be, what I will be involved with. In a sense, this last year was a year in which I had to redefine my own personality, something I'd never done before. As a kid, I never had to choose who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to happen with my life. I just let my life run its course, and I was mostly carefree and happy. That's the way it is when you're young though, right? Now I'm expected to be a new person, and take control of my life, when all I want to do is go back to the person I was.
I guess why I'm posting this needs some explanation. I've been home three times this semester from University. Each of the times, I've been feeling incredible depression and discomfort, and didn't know why. I should've been happy to get back home, after my first semester didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to. But now that I'm faced with the prospect of a month long Christmas break, I was forced to confront these issues. Simply put, I don't feel like I'm at home anywhere. I come back to Dallas, and everything has changed, from my room, to my house, to the neighborhood and shopping center me and my friend always loitered around sophomore year. New roads have been built, buildings have been torn down. My high school class, which I saw everyday for my entire school career, has been scattered across the country, and my tight-knit group of friends has been split too. Nothing is the same. It's Ukiyo-e, everything is dynamic and fluid here. The home I left on August 25th, the home I loved dearly and would never trade for the world, is now gone. Granted, the walls still stand, but that's about it. I can never go back and live life the way I did in high school, strutting around the city of Carrollton with my friends like we owned the place. And as odd as it sounds, the only thing I want to do right now is travel back in time to relive all the memories I had in high school that I took for granted.
When I joined these forums, I had almost no friends, no life, and very little self-confidence. I was looking for friends, looking for someone to accept me, and the medium I found to do that was Big O. Cheesy and nerdy right? Well, it worked, I suppose, and I found people I could talk to online, people that understood me at the moment more than anyone in the real world could. And if I've said anything bad about someone trying to fit in on these boards, I'm sorry, because I was the exact same way. I was absent for a while, no doubt, but after leaving for about six months after Big O was over, I found myself yearning to come back. I was trying to fit in at a new forum, but it seemed so alien to me. I longed for the connection that I had with the people here, and for contact with the friends I had made, regardless of the fact that I no longer liked anime. And when I came back, I got the same feeling I have today in my real life: split between two worlds. I couldn't fully assimilate into the other forum I was trying to join, and with so many unrecognized names posting here, I felt I didn't fit in either. The layout of the site stayed the same. The colors, smilies, fonts, were all the same. But it all felt different to me.
I've stayed on here for a little over a year now, and despite meeting some cool new members and recontacting some of the other ones, I've come to the conclusion that I can't be happy here anymore. The forums can't fulfill me socially or emotionally the way they did back in 2003 or whenever I joined. I'd like to say I'm maturing in a way, becoming a stronger man, but only time will tell. It's painful to say the least, not only for leaving these forums, but having to move on with the rest of my life, and accepting the fact that the north-of-Dallas town I'm from will never be the same. So here I am, signing off one last time. Last time was mainly for attention, but this time, don't expect me to come waddling back in six months.
To my friends:
Jeff - Probably my best e-friend ever. The times we spent on AIM chats with Mike and Scott were very fun, and we milked a lot of time out of Guild Wars. I wish you good luck and prosperity in your life.
Mike - You, Jeff, and I were an amazing trio. I'm glad we could share our womanizing woes in those summer chats, and wish you best of luck with the women and with the rest of your life.
Scott - I like that fact that you've mostly been a jackass to the people on these boards, and that you voluntarily asked yourself to be banned. Setting up those PCF IRC raids (well, mini-raids), was pretty fun, and I'll probably talk to you sometime this month if chance has it.
Nine - The only member I can think of on the top of my head that has truly become family here after joining only a little over a year ago. I definitely enjoyed talking basketball to you, and your final pms to me didn't go unread. Sorry for not answering them, but I was busy with school and not visitng here
You can dismiss this as an EXTREMELY nerdy gush or whatever, but I feel good for posting this, as it's allowed me to express some emotions. It's hard to believe that in three years I've only had about 1,500 things to say, but oh well, this is definitely the longest and most worth-while. Feel free to contact me whenever, my information is all there. I will stick around just a little bit to read your replies though
Best of luck to all,
Philip
2006 Has been a pretty rough year for me. For the past year, I've been seeking out who I am, and what my place is in society. I've been almost forced to in a sense; choosing which college to go to, what major, who my friends will be, what I will be involved with. In a sense, this last year was a year in which I had to redefine my own personality, something I'd never done before. As a kid, I never had to choose who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to happen with my life. I just let my life run its course, and I was mostly carefree and happy. That's the way it is when you're young though, right? Now I'm expected to be a new person, and take control of my life, when all I want to do is go back to the person I was.
I guess why I'm posting this needs some explanation. I've been home three times this semester from University. Each of the times, I've been feeling incredible depression and discomfort, and didn't know why. I should've been happy to get back home, after my first semester didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to. But now that I'm faced with the prospect of a month long Christmas break, I was forced to confront these issues. Simply put, I don't feel like I'm at home anywhere. I come back to Dallas, and everything has changed, from my room, to my house, to the neighborhood and shopping center me and my friend always loitered around sophomore year. New roads have been built, buildings have been torn down. My high school class, which I saw everyday for my entire school career, has been scattered across the country, and my tight-knit group of friends has been split too. Nothing is the same. It's Ukiyo-e, everything is dynamic and fluid here. The home I left on August 25th, the home I loved dearly and would never trade for the world, is now gone. Granted, the walls still stand, but that's about it. I can never go back and live life the way I did in high school, strutting around the city of Carrollton with my friends like we owned the place. And as odd as it sounds, the only thing I want to do right now is travel back in time to relive all the memories I had in high school that I took for granted.
When I joined these forums, I had almost no friends, no life, and very little self-confidence. I was looking for friends, looking for someone to accept me, and the medium I found to do that was Big O. Cheesy and nerdy right? Well, it worked, I suppose, and I found people I could talk to online, people that understood me at the moment more than anyone in the real world could. And if I've said anything bad about someone trying to fit in on these boards, I'm sorry, because I was the exact same way. I was absent for a while, no doubt, but after leaving for about six months after Big O was over, I found myself yearning to come back. I was trying to fit in at a new forum, but it seemed so alien to me. I longed for the connection that I had with the people here, and for contact with the friends I had made, regardless of the fact that I no longer liked anime. And when I came back, I got the same feeling I have today in my real life: split between two worlds. I couldn't fully assimilate into the other forum I was trying to join, and with so many unrecognized names posting here, I felt I didn't fit in either. The layout of the site stayed the same. The colors, smilies, fonts, were all the same. But it all felt different to me.
I've stayed on here for a little over a year now, and despite meeting some cool new members and recontacting some of the other ones, I've come to the conclusion that I can't be happy here anymore. The forums can't fulfill me socially or emotionally the way they did back in 2003 or whenever I joined. I'd like to say I'm maturing in a way, becoming a stronger man, but only time will tell. It's painful to say the least, not only for leaving these forums, but having to move on with the rest of my life, and accepting the fact that the north-of-Dallas town I'm from will never be the same. So here I am, signing off one last time. Last time was mainly for attention, but this time, don't expect me to come waddling back in six months.
To my friends:
Jeff - Probably my best e-friend ever. The times we spent on AIM chats with Mike and Scott were very fun, and we milked a lot of time out of Guild Wars. I wish you good luck and prosperity in your life.
Mike - You, Jeff, and I were an amazing trio. I'm glad we could share our womanizing woes in those summer chats, and wish you best of luck with the women and with the rest of your life.
Scott - I like that fact that you've mostly been a jackass to the people on these boards, and that you voluntarily asked yourself to be banned. Setting up those PCF IRC raids (well, mini-raids), was pretty fun, and I'll probably talk to you sometime this month if chance has it.
Nine - The only member I can think of on the top of my head that has truly become family here after joining only a little over a year ago. I definitely enjoyed talking basketball to you, and your final pms to me didn't go unread. Sorry for not answering them, but I was busy with school and not visitng here
You can dismiss this as an EXTREMELY nerdy gush or whatever, but I feel good for posting this, as it's allowed me to express some emotions. It's hard to believe that in three years I've only had about 1,500 things to say, but oh well, this is definitely the longest and most worth-while. Feel free to contact me whenever, my information is all there. I will stick around just a little bit to read your replies though
Best of luck to all,
Philip
I hope you have a good time out there, comrade 088nd!
