[Other] Moments - An Original Short Story

The Fallen Phoenix 05-14-2006 12:41 PM
In the third (and final) trimester of my high school career, I took "Short Story Seminar" as one of my four electives. As the class title implies, the ultimate goal of the class was writing a complete (and original) short story.

Ultimately, I have to say I am somewhat satisfied with my short story. I think there are a few stretches where my writing is near its best, but I'll admit it isn't particularly consistent.

It's rather long for a short story, coming out to 26 pages in size 11 Bookman Old Style font, 1.5 spaced (7193 words).

Although I already submitted this story for my class, suggestions and critiques are still very welcome.

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I attached a short creative piece titled "Real Romantics Don't Fall in Love" in my most recent post in this thread for anyone who wanted to sample more of my writing.
The Fallen Phoenix 05-21-2006 05:11 PM
...I'll admit I am not terribly surprised there have been no comments; I'm not entirely sure I myself would take the time to download it, nevermind read and comment on the short story, and that based just on its length alone.

Still, I guess I'll try one more plea, if only because I really would love some sort of commentary, even if the only comments I get are nasty ones; this despite my own distaste of trying a second time to rouse interest in my writing.

So if I get no comments whatsoever, that's perfectly fine, but at least I would have the peace of mind of knowing I at least asked.

Oh, by the way, if anyone would like the story in a different format (either .doc or .odt), I wouldn't mind e-mailing it; the forum only allows for uploading .txt files. I'm sorry I forgot to mention that the first time around.
Generalissimo D 05-21-2006 05:40 PM
If I wasn't such a prime example of manliness, I'd burst into tears.

One of these days, I'm gonna go ahead and find everything you've ever written, because this is damn good.

A bit depressing, but it flows very nicely.
The Big Finale 05-21-2006 05:41 PM
Apologies, FP. I saw this earlier and meant to check it out, but it just slipped my mind.

Anyway - um, wow. The emotion was so strong that it almost hurt to read it. It's a brilliant and heartfelt piece, and uh, I can't really think of anything else to say besides more praise-gushing, honestly, so I'll leave it at that.
Asirt 05-21-2006 05:44 PM
quote:
I'll admit I am not terribly surprised there have been no comments; I'm not entirely sure I myself would take the time to download it, nevermind read and comment on the short story, and that based just on its length alone.


Well, I got the read the story a while ago, but I didn't mention anything about it until now. Embarrassed Sweatdrop For the most part, I think it's great. I don't really see anything wrong with it, and it's quite the sad romance story. I didn't think it was that long, but then again I was reading this on a computer, so yeah. Again, great job on your story; I really liked it.

As a side note, when I see the name "Yukiko", I am reminded of the name "Yukito", lol. Wink

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quote:
The similiarity in name was not intentional, I assure you. Tongue


I figured that. It was pretty close, though. Then again, so is Yukino, so yeah.
The Fallen Phoenix 05-23-2006 01:39 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Trisa
As a side note, when I see the name "Yukiko", I am reminded of the name "Yukito", lol. Wink


The similiarity in name was not intentional, I assure you. Tongue I chose Yukiko for the narrator's name because Yukiko means "snow child". I always deliberately choose the names of my characters, usually after a great deal of thought (Yukiko wasn't actually named until I got to the part of the story where I had to give her a name, since I had a lot of trouble deciding what her final name would be).

Glad to hear some people enjoyed it; as a writer, that is always one of my first intentions (to entertain the reader).

D-Boy: if you would like, I have a few other short creative writings I could send to you. They're nowhere near as elaborate (or good) as "Moments" or "An Empty Hallway", though.
Generalissimo D 05-23-2006 03:36 PM
quote:
Originally posted by The Fallen Phoenix
D-Boy: if you would like, I have a few other short creative writings I could send to you. They're nowhere near as elaborate (or good) as "Moments" or "An Empty Hallway", though.



By all means, my fine feathered friend.

FOR GREATER JUSTICE!

Oh yeah, the only thing I didn't like about this. That whole yelling out "Baka!" part just didn't seem to fit there. Really, I understand the whole she's Japanese thing. It's it didn't fit too well with the English.
Nine Kuze 05-25-2006 03:27 PM
I finally checked this story out and basically, if I wasn't too busy stealing this to call it my own and sell it as a short movie idea, I'd tell you that this was a great piece of writing, my friend.

(I'm totally kidding about the stealing thing by the way.)

I really liked the story. The expressionism throughout was amazing and I really liked the Yukiko character. The only thing I had a problem with was Hugh's name. I just think it was a bad name and all the way that Hugh and Yukiko met on the train. It was a good sequence but it also seemed too stereotypical, like something I'd see in an anime. But I really liked how Yukiko dealt with the whole thing.

quote:
D-Boy: if you would like, I have a few other short creative writings I could send to you. They're nowhere near as elaborate (or good) as "Moments" or "An Empty Hallway", though.

Actually, if you can hook me up with the same thing as well, I'd really appriecate it, FP. Again, very nice work.
Peace.
The Fallen Phoenix 05-26-2006 10:33 PM
quote:
Originally posted by D-Boy
Oh yeah, the only thing I didn't like about this. That whole yelling out "Baka!" part just didn't seem to fit there. Really, I understand the whole she's Japanese thing. It's it didn't fit too well with the English.


Fair enough; I thought it would fit in since there were several mentions of Yukiko cursing in Japanese, I just never put the Japanese in. That situation was different because she degraded into a Japanese-English mix. But I do see your point: it does not really flow well with the rest of the dialogue.

quote:
Originally posted by Nine XXVI
The only thing I had a problem with was Hugh's name.


As I mentioned before, I usually choose names deliberately, and name choice always makes sense to me.

...at the time, at least. Actually, I picked Hugh, again, because of the name's etymology: Hugh stems from the Tuetonic hug, which means "heart", "mind", or "spirit".

That's mildly significant (that is to say, not at all) because Yukiko saw their relationship as a two-way mirror; the reason why it was so easy to tell what the other was thinking or feeling was because the other thought or felt the same way.

...that is supposed to be one of the reasons why Yukiko could not pick up on Hugh's romantic feelings; because she did not (apparently) share those feelings, she could not see (more accurately, identify) them in Hugh.

quote:
Originally posted by Nine XXVI
I just think it was a bad name and all the way that Hugh and Yukiko met on the train. It was a good sequence but it also seemed too stereotypical, like something I'd see in an anime. But I really liked how Yukiko dealt with the whole thing.


From the very beginning, I knew what I wanted to do with my story, and from the very beginning, I worried that I was going to make it cliché (one of my personal nightmares as a writer). And even after I finished writing that scene (which on the whole, I thought, was actually one of the best-written stretches in the story), I worried that I had made it a little too cliché. Truthfully, the inspiration for the scene came from three different sources: first, my imagination (I've always wondered how I would react if somebody fell asleep on me on the subway); second, my observations (of seeing other people leaning on others asleep on the subway); third, a near-miss experience of my own (I once sat next to a woman who I think was in her mid-twenties who kept dozing off, and would start leaning towards me before picking herself up). Hugh actually acted in that scene the way I envision myself acting if someone were to fall asleep on me; unless the person started drooling on me or something equally disturbing, I probably wouldn't mind.

Originally, I was going to write the scene so that the two were standing and that one was going to fall onto the other that way, but I changed my mind.

Speaking of cliché, something I deliberately did in the story was keep Yukiko's romantic feelings (or lack thereof) ambiguous at the end. The only certainty, in the end, is meant to be Hugh's feelings. I think that is actually pretty close to real life: I've found myself caught in that nexus with friends of the opposite sex before (one relatively recent circumstance comes to mind), and sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to interpret your own feelings.

Of course, you're free to interpret the end as you'd like; that's another reason I left it ambiguous. Allow the reader to think and decide for herself what will happen next.

...that was all a lot longer than I intended it to be. Oh well.

As for other works; since there's been more than one person to express interest, I'll just attach another piece of writing to this post. A warning: this is not a traditional piece of writing by any extent of the imagination, and it is not nearly as engaging (or good) as the other writings I have posted. To give it some context: it was a writing exercise for my short story seminar, where I needed to start the story real _ don't _, presumably describing a group of people.

I chose to start (and title) mine "Real Romantics Don't Fall in Love"; have fun with it.
Generalissimo D 05-27-2006 12:00 AM
That seemed almost psychotic. Like Christopher Walken should be reading it.

That said, it gives me this horror vibe that borders being both depressing and disturbing at the same time. I like the way you kept on repeating 'real romantics', which gave it a chantish quality.

Romance is nightmarish, at any rate.
Nine Kuze 05-30-2006 02:37 PM
quote:
Originally by The Fallen Phoenix
As I mentioned before, I usually choose names deliberately, and name choice always makes sense to me.

...at the time, at least. Actually, I picked Hugh, again, because of the name's etymology: Hugh stems from the Tuetonic hug, which means "heart", "mind", or "spirit".

Still doesn't disqualify it for being a bad name, but the thought of detail you put into the consideration (and including the meaning of the name) makes a lot more sense on why you use the name.

I don't know, maybe its because I get reminded of Hugh Grant. I don't really like Hugh Grant.

quote:
Originally by The Fallen Phoenix
From the very beginning, I knew what I wanted to do with my story, and from the very beginning, I worried that I was going to make it cliché (one of my personal nightmares as a writer). And even after I finished writing that scene (which on the whole, I thought, was actually one of the best-written stretches in the story), I worried that I had made it a little too cliché.

Nice to hear where you got the idea for that sequence from. And don't get wrong my friend. It was indeed one of the best written sequences throughout the story (Actually, my favorite was the ending when Hugh told Yukiko that he loved her. I re-re-read that part just because I thought it was masterfully drawn out), but I'm just felt feeling that it was still a cliché and not that honestly real. I mean, its cool to hear that that's how you would react and I'd probably do the same thing as well, but in the real world, no one is not really all that bold to pull a move off like Hugh did. I like to hear about bold moves in stories (and yours does a great job for me in that field) but I guess that I wasn't expecting it to go in that direction.

quote:
Speaking of cliché, something I deliberately did in the story was keep Yukiko's romantic feelings (or lack thereof) ambiguous at the end.

I actually liked that part. Keep Yukiko's notions and feelings in the dark as Hugh's gets the main stage all the while, having the reader decing what's going on for themselves. Like I said, the end of the story detailing this was my favorite part and I like how you left the story's finale to be dealt with by the reader. That's why I like Clint Eastwood's films so much, because he does the same thing.

quote:
As for other works; since there's been more than one person to express interest, I'll just attach another piece of writing to this post. A warning: this is not a traditional piece of writing by any extent of the imagination, and it is not nearly as engaging (or good) as the other writings I have posted. To give it some context: it was a writing exercise for my short story seminar, where I needed to start the story real _ don't _, presumably describing a group of people.

Oh you, don't be so modest. Big Grin
Peace.