The Muse is upon me...

The_Big_G 01-08-2006 04:54 PM
Memories crumble into ruins of dust
The steel of resolve succumbs unto rust
A failed Paradigm, stood once tall and proud
Home to a dissolute, discarded crowd
Teetering tatters of our former glory
Stage for a farce, for our unfinished story
A hedonistic haze hides the Truth from all eyes
So they glut and they gorge at their banquet of lies
Feasting on fragments of forgotten dreams
A city where nothing is just as it seems
We all fought for victory, regardless of cost
Now we've come to terms, but what have we lost?

Memories are always doomed to fade
Like timely tides that slip away
And moments merge before they go
Dragged down by unseen undertow
Into dark depths so cold and vast
In the stygian sea that we call our Past
They lie unreachable, unrecoverable
Not a single trace remains discoverable
Never again to bask in your Love's light
Enshrouded in eternal night
So drowned the Love I freely gave
Ever entombed within this watery grave.

Precious Memories sifting through my hands
Onto bleak and blighted, barren lands
My empty amnesiac soul now stands
On drifting dunes and shifting sands
I crawl for days and days crawl by
My pleas are met with no reply
The Truth I sought has come to nought
I've failed to win the war I fought
Where once you lived inside my mind
A mirage of Hope you've left behind
Too soon will vanish over these dry dunes
What remains are the pains of my heart's wounds
Generalissimo D 01-08-2006 05:23 PM
...

I'm going to make it a resolution to use this line someday.

quote:
We all fought for victory, regardless of cost
Now we've come to terms, but what have we lost?



Very, very nice.
corrupt 01-08-2006 05:25 PM
wow, that was a cool poem, you should publish it
pen1300 01-11-2006 08:07 PM
Wow, this has a great rhythm and the words sound nice (poetry to me should sound good and move good, which has been accomplished in your poem).

Only one line I find awkward:
quote:
Dragged down by unseen undertow


Otherwise, I find it very nice and I think, if you have not done so, should submit it to Paradigm (the main site). I don't think there's a lot of poetry out there on Big O (some, but not a lot) and you sum up the beauty of the show and Schwartzy wonderfully.Big Grin

Later,
Pen1300
The_Big_G 01-11-2006 10:17 PM
Thank you guys very much for your kind words.

I can only say in response to my critique...aw drat...I kind of like the line with "unseen undertow", although I catch your drift on how clumsy "dragged down" sounds back to back. I really enjoy illiterating and I've used it a lot in this one...almost in every line, (timely tides, moments merge, etc.) I try to write as I would speak, and the meter holds true fairly well when read aloud. I honestly have more difficulty saying "Stage for a farce, for our unfinished story"...californian accent aside, san franciscans tend to run all their words together so a sentence sounds like one big word (i.e.: "howyadointaday?")

I also wanted to use the three environments in the big O...namely the city, the sea and the desert. In a way, each stanza represents a different character (Roger for the city, Angel for the sea, Schwarzwald for the desert), but the sentimrent bleeds across the stanzas too much to be really definitive.

Again, thanks for your comments. Perhaps one of my many odes to Dorothy will flow more smoothly...
Brock 01-11-2006 10:57 PM
I absolutely loved this. Flows smoothly, captures the essence of the show quite well. I actually didn't have a problem with that "undertow" line, but the only line that I did have a problem with was this:

quote:
Originally posted by The_Big_G
They lie unreachable, unrecoverable
Not a single trace remains discoverable


I'm not sure why, it just seems out of place. Every other line just flows so smoothly, perfect in it's simplicity.. But then these lines, with their "unrecoverable" and "discoverable".. It doesn't seem so smooth in my mind, it just breaks the rhythym.

Like I said, though, other than that it's wonderful.
The_Big_G 01-12-2006 12:11 AM
'tain't an easy thing to find a word that rhymes with "unrecoverable"...
Brock 01-12-2006 12:19 AM
When writing poetry and I try to find things that rhyme with longer words, I don't think of it as a word.. I think of it as a collection of syllables. If you can, try using several words that, when added up, rhyme with the longer word.

If you can't, then it's probably best not to use the longer word in the first place.

Off the top of my head, I can imagine something like

"They lie unreachable, unrecoverable,
Intangible like the phantom(s) of fable(s)"

( You can use phantom and fable as singular or plural, whichever you like. )

But that's just my state of mind, and it probably doesn't flow with your poem. Just trying to throw some suggestions out there.
pen1300 01-12-2006 12:03 PM
quote:
Originally posted by The_Big_G
Thank you guys very much for your kind words.

I can only say in response to my critique...aw drat...I kind of like the line with "unseen undertow", although I catch your drift on how clumsy "dragged down" sounds back to back. I really enjoy illiterating and I've used it a lot in this one...almost in every line, (timely tides, moments merge, etc.) I try to write as I would speak, and the meter holds true fairly well when read aloud. I honestly have more difficulty saying "Stage for a farce, for our unfinished story"...californian accent aside, san franciscans tend to run all their words together so a sentence sounds like one big word (i.e.: "howyadointaday?")

Wow, I didn't even realize you did that in the other lines until you mentioned that! Well then, you could possibly ignore my comment.

When you say you write as you would speak, I really agree with you. I'm not a teacher on writing, but I think that is what you should do when you write, because it makes more sense. My creative writing teacher said that you should write as you speak in poetry because it seems more natural.

quote:
I also wanted to use the three environments in the big O...namely the city, the sea and the desert. In a way, each stanza represents a different character (Roger for the city, Angel for the sea, Schwarzwald for the desert), but the sentimrent bleeds across the stanzas too much to be really definitive.

Again, thanks for your comments. Perhaps one of my many odes to Dorothy will flow more smoothly...


I didn't see Angel's character as much, but I did see Roger's character there, but not as obvious as Schwarzwald. Though, I like that you tried that with each stanza. Kudos!

Ultimately this is your piece and again, if you haven't done so, I think you should submit this to Paradigm. Big Grin

Later,
Pen1300
Mugiwara Luffy 01-12-2006 03:02 PM
quote:
Originally posted by pen1300
When you say you write as you would speak, I really agree with you. I'm not a teacher on writing, but I think that is what you should do when you write, because it makes more sense. My creative writing teacher said that you should write as you speak in poetry because it seems more natural


Yeah, doing that gives it a natural rhythm. The problem I find in most poetry I read--and I read a lot, as editor of my school's literary magazine--is that people use awkward rhythm and syntax in order to force a rhyme scheme. Usually, I don't like rhyming at all, unless it seems to be natural.

Though I think the lines are fine as they are, if you must change it, rhyming "unrecoverable" with "fable" doesn't work. The last two syllables are "uh-buhl" so I think you could get by with any word rhyming with "uhl". Full, console, extol, roll, even off-rhymes like cold, bold, old, etc.

Usually it is too unnatural to completely rhyme two long words. It works in this case.

As for the poem as a whole, it's excellent. The rhyming is well done and I love the alliteration. The only thing I'm not crazy about is the sing-songy rhythm, which is so common that I have just grown tired of it personally, but other than that it is superbly written. I'm just being overly critical and I would never suggest that you destroy a great work just because of the rhythm.
The_Big_G 01-12-2006 03:24 PM
Again, thank you guys for your comments. Whereas I appreciate the input for my next efforts, writing is an ephemeral art. What I enjoy is the process of creating, but what results is really just the ashes after the fire.

Although I occasionally enjoy writing metered poetry as a challenge to squeeze a communication into the rhyme and meter, I really don't do the heroic couplet thing too often. As mentioned, it's sing-songy and can be trite.

My take is that I'll throw something like this out when the mood strikes...the gal I'm seeing had me pull a tarot card for my day which indicated that I should spend it in appreciation of beauty or in other creative efforts...so I saw an awesome exhibition called "Traditions Unbound - Groundbreaking Painters of 18th Century Kyoto". Afterward, I relaxed with my notebook on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and ground out a few verses to soothe my furrowed brow.

Here's the other one I wrote, unrelated to the Big O...no meter, no rhyme, just free associating...

She is the brilliant Emerald
Gem of eternal spring
Wondrous flaws revealed in her depths
Viewed through any of her myriad facets
The source of transcendant inner beauty
Radiating outward from within
Grasps the gaze of my Mind's Eye
Transfixes me in captive contemplation
A garden of complexity coveted
For her magical and healing powers
She will sustain me as I, her
In the everlasting dance of sublime symbiosis.
Lost_Cyborg 01-23-2006 09:15 AM
THEY both rock, I'm printing the Paradigm one out and sticking on meh wall! Does it have a title?
The_Big_G 01-23-2006 12:50 PM
No...no titles...feel free to make one up if you like Smile
Lost_Cyborg 01-23-2006 01:58 PM
Hm... What about Failed Paradigm, or Crumbling Memories? I think
Precious Memories is a little to clique.
The_Big_G 01-23-2006 05:11 PM
I like "Crumbling Memories". It evokes images of cookies, and I love cookies.
Lost_Cyborg 01-24-2006 03:46 PM
*lol* I like cookies to! But I don't have any...