The BMWC Presents...The Black Forest...

Generalissimo D 06-04-2005 07:21 PM
Yes. The Black Mage Writing Club is alive and well!(even if it only does consist of me.) I wrote this to spite something. What it short term memory eludes me of. Now...without further ado...

The Super-Ultra-Tasty Zombie Flick Fic

The thuds of limbs hitting the pavement was heard all around. From above, the escaping helicopters could easily see a path being cleared among the mass of undead below. Then, all at once, everyone in a 400 yard radius was knocked down. Dead. Or deader, as the case may be. The zombie population of the United States, which turned out to be well over half of the original, was dropping by the second. Below was a man putting lead into their asses and making their faces unassociable with any name. The guy was firing 5 firearms at once. In each direction. Paranoia does help after all. Fueled zealously by faith, fury, and love for shooter games, he plowed across what would be aptly known by future generations as the Mile of Murder. He was being refueled and rearmed by a group of friends lugging a very large cart. The Sultan of Slaughter, The Disassembler of the Dead, The Führer of Firearms, Coleman G.!(Due to legal complications, I couldnt use his full name. Ranted on about silly things like identity theft and his involvement in the FBI.)
Anyways, they continued their rampant disregard for human unlife all the way down to Florida. Then, being so kickass, that killer whales bowed before them and gave them a ride to Europe. Reloading on supplies as they went to the source of the problem, Romania! *thunder cracks*
So, on their zombie-ass kicking route they made their way to the famed Castle Dracula. There, in events a mere mortal scribe as myself cannot even begin to hint at, Cole gained supernatural powers and became the Beast mentioned in the book of Revelations. However he used his powers for good, but then started using them for awesome and blew up the castle, and consequently, the antidote to the zombie plague.


You read that right. So a battle ensued. Since Ninja's always win (unless its agaisnt pirates or kamisamurai) the Turtles ended up felling the beast. But, being merciful, they simply downed his powers and made him Sexy. Henceforth, he was the first Sexy Beast. Then he went to kill more zombies in Germany, before finding the Lance of Longinus that he used to turn back time. And how did I see this? I was the guy pushing the goddamn cart! Forsooth! Yeah. Oh. I forgot to mention the part were we hijack a Gundam and invent the Apple pie. But thats for next time.
M.S. Feather 06-06-2005 05:46 AM
Originally posted by D-Boy
Fueled zealously by faith, fury, and love for shooter games,


That was completely insane...but also completely hysterical.
Very nice story D-Boy, hope to see more of them soon. ^_^
The Big Finale 06-06-2005 06:12 AM

I love it when people use their incredible powers for awesome. Sure beats using them for good OR evil any day.
Avenir 06-06-2005 11:54 AM
Well, as some of you may have undoubtedly deduced, Coleman G. is none other than yours truly (my real name is Coleman), though I doubt I have involvement in the FBI. Wink

Hilarious "spite" to some of my shenanigans, D-Boy! Big Grin
Generalissimo D 06-06-2005 04:31 PM
Wow. thanks for all the feedback. The one time I dont beg for it....

PS:This is mostly true. Anyway. Heres the second part.


Erm..were was I? Ahh yes. The Sexy Beast, Myself, and our resident evil genius continued our blaspheming quest. On our way to the merry land of Germany we stopped by Japan. (The battle between Cole and Dracula reshaped the world.) We were greeted by beautiful women in skimpy outfits and oversized radioactive lizards. President Idioto Wannabe of the Paradigm Umbrella Corporation led us to his underground factories.
There we saw the pinnacle of human technology: The Romulus ,Vainqueur, and Martillo Gundams. Suddenly, Hyper Ninja Space Zombies of |)00/\/\ started busting in. Three sissy skinny effiminate japanese boys ran towards the gundams, but Reg( our Resident Evil Genuis[not like the videogame] who shalt not be named for religious reasons) tripped them then made them watch "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". We all were dumbfounded when we saw big red "Steal" buttons on the gundam legs.
Of course we pressed them. Mysteriously, we ended up in the cockpits. If you've ever thought it was difficult to pilot one, you were wrong. In replacement for all the fancy control buttons was a single X-Box controller. The floor beneath us fell and we were in space. The Beast, being well aquinted with the workings of these Mecha, crashed into the moon. Reg followed suit, and I merely floated about. Once on the moon, The Sexy One's Gundam took a step and it detected a spinter in its foot. Upon further investigation, it was discovered to be the long lost Lance of Longinus. He took it into his cockpit and began to dance around it provacatively, much to the distaste of both Reg and I.
Upon feeling a disturbance in the Force, the hidden Radam army arose. Thousands of spider crabs launched at them. I hit a cheat code and wiped them out in a single strike. Remember kids:The size of the boot needed to kill a bug is directly proportionate to their level of irritation. As it turned out, Cole's twirling about the pole caused time to open a portal going back to a really long time ago. We went in and landed somewhere in Europe. There, we made our Gundams sit in a Meditative position and the Sexy Beast and I argued over which computer operating system was better: Windows or whatever the hell Apple makes. A battle soon ensued. The Martillo Gundam swung its namesake hammer insanely, and smashed the large boulders being launched at it by the Vanquier. Silly people, and you thought aliens made Stonehendge. The Vanquier grabbed an apple tree and began launching apples at the Martillo. I flew back into a field of wheat, since a well aimed apple could knock out the faulty japanese electronics, and proceeded to fire everything on board.
Now, we're not really sure what happened there, but it resulted in the formation of the world's first pies. Peace reigned throught the land. We made Cole spin the other way on the lance and a portal to our own time was open. Flying threw, we noticed tons of dragons chasing us. In true Gundam fashion, we began our descent to Earth backwards, aiming large rifles that we procured out of nowhere at the Dragons. We fired. When we came too, we noticed we were in Antartica. Luckily our ass-kicking reputation was well known throughout the ocean, and more whales took us back to the mainland. This is why there is a hole in the Ozone layer. Whoops.
Back home in Amerika, a big super mega-zombie was causing havoc. It was like one of those megazord things, only made out of zombies. Reg devised a plan to blow it up. We loaded a shopping cart full of Nitro, TNT, and Volatile Chipmunks. The Beast used The Sexyness[sic] and launched the cart at the Sony building behind it. The flash was incredible, 50 times more powerful than 700 4th of July's worth of fireworks. One in every three people in Japan suffered an orgasmic seizure. The explosion caused the states of Arkansas, Montana, and Alabama to be vaporized. The only reason we survived was behind a few dozen boxes of leftover holiday fruitcake, the most durable substance known to man and Superman. Then Jesus came down and fixed everything. We all asked.
"Jesus Christ! Why did you came and fix our mess?!"
He simply responded. "This is my chore."
Again we asked in frightening unison:"Why is your chore to clean up the Earth everytime we blow large parts of it off?"
And He responded again:"I'm flippin' Jesus!"
With that, He twas lifted to the Heavens, and all was right. Until I knocked over a case of soap that is. But that would bore you...

The Big Finale 06-06-2005 04:47 PM
Oversized radioactive lizards, pie, a Zombie Megazord, and orgasmic seizures. What more could someone want?

This is freaking weird. Tongue
BabyGhia 06-06-2005 05:15 PM
Um.. I'm speechless. How would I describe this to anyone?? I have no idea.

But.. um... very funny. Even funnier since I'm imagining you and Avenir while I'm reading this. Shocked

Not sure if I should say that you should write more or not??? Wink

Generalissimo D 06-06-2005 07:03 PM
Originally posted by BabyGhia
Um.. I'm speechless. How would I describe this to anyone?? I have no idea.

But.. um... very funny. Even funnier since I'm imagining you and Avenir while I'm reading this. Shocked

Not sure if I should say that you should write more or not??? Wink


Say no more Ghia! I even stuck you in it!

The Third Slice

Yeah. I dropped the soap. Loads of soap. It was sudsy all over. The zombie virus was cleaned out into the sea, where the seabass mutated but were killed off by random thunderbolts. The Flippin' Jesus smiled. No idea why. Our R.E.G. got washed away. Then all the other people from the first part that were conviniently ignored in the second part migrated via coconut shells. Meh. We took the cart across Germany ( Didn't we just get to America?!) and then to the British Isles. The zombies there were of a horrid variety. Evolving to compensate for their lack of teeth, they had knife like claws. It was an utter mystery to me how they actually served a purpose, as the knife extension invariably caused a dislimbing everytime they fed. So we simply drew them into a convieniently placed zombie-containment courtyard and threw in a cow. Rocks and toffee were thrown at the survivors.

We ended up in China. There were hoardes of zombies overflowing. Not an exaggeration. We let loose our ammunition until we started running dangerously low.

Damn Chinese.

To our aid came a fairy out of nothingness and started going crazy. She violently ripped the spines out and used them as blunt butterknifes, slicing through even more zombies and taking their spines. She used her teeth to rip out their eyes, kicking in their sternums and use their blood as fuel for her demonic laptop.
"Err, 'Scuse me Ms. Fairy?"
"I'm The Ghia Fairy!"
"Are you supposed to be a graphic designer?"
"Why yes!"
"Well...the word graphic designer does not mean you attack violently while designing stuff."
"Well what does it mean?"
"Means you design pretty pictures to put on websites and such."
"Oh! Ok then!"
With a wave of her wand, thousands of one buttoned mice flew like bullets at the zombies, helping her productivity by almost 600 percent! She continued absentmindedly launching [subliminalmessage]inferior Mac products[/subliminalmessage] and we paved a new way to Southern Africa ( This is not lack of continuity. This is severe lack of continuity.), and combated more zombies. It twas getting a bit repetive, so the Sexy Beast launched one of his helpers at the zombies. Ya know, to spice things up? Guess who he threw.
Yep, it was Bob. Poor Bob. Never stood a chance. We held a zombie-light (napalm is fun!!11one) vigil on the spot. Religious ceremony aside, The Ghia Fairy dropped several cars for us to use. It was her power after all. So we drove on to Brazil (???). Crazy pygmies attacked us. A good 13 Gigawatt electroshock to the brain fixed them. I checked the list of continents we cleaned out. All that was left was Canadia. God help us.

Grande Finale!
BabyGhia 06-06-2005 07:09 PM
I had to open my mouth and say something.

Gee, I never knew I was SO violent. I hope the Ghia Fairy is wearing a cool outfit! Big Grin


*goes back to designing pretty pictures for websites and such*


PS. I was actually designing a pretty picture for website too.
Dingo 06-06-2005 07:13 PM
Originally posted by BabyGhia
Gee, I never knew I was SO violent. I hope the Ghia Fairy is wearing a cool outfit! Big Grin

I imagine the Ghia Fairy to be a mac with a picture of a fairy on it.... but thats just me.
M.S. Feather 06-07-2005 05:23 AM
Haha, I loved the second chapter. And yes, I do believe fruitcake is the most durable substance in the known universe. Tongue

I also agree with BabyGhia, it’s a lot funnier now that I know it’s you guys doing all of this.

*pictures Avenir vanquishing the dead in nothing but a pair of shades and his black bathrobe* XP
Generalissimo D 06-16-2005 10:43 PM
Damn...been a while...

The Fourth Part of this Epic Trilogy...

We went to the mystic land of...Canadia. A land that had been reduced to a perpetually-looping landscape of ashes, burnt trees, and more ash. The border line was quite distinct. As soon as we crossed the line, undead mounties came in droves. They had the most stunning coordination of any zombie so far. They had the reactions of a sober stoner. Their pathetic fight was valiant, but none could stand the might of high-calibre shotguns.
Our R.E.G. came down in the rain proceeding this.
His name is Pat, by the way. And he got angry. We don't like him when he's angry. He ended up creating a Hot Topic store out of his rage. That's why he's evil.
The Beast went in, since I'm spiritually and morally allergic to that place, and came out with a robe. The resulting effect caused millions of fangirl zombies to arise. As the massive group enclosed us, a cloud came down, and lo and behold, there was the Pope with 2 Mac 10's. He fired and blew them up.
Pat devised a simple explanation to this: Radiation from Venus came down and turned people into zombies. This was laughable so I stabbed him and took his wallet. This made him angry. Gardening tools start flying when he is angry.
Chainsaws flew through the air like gauss-accelerated raindrops. Then we appeared at the zombie stronghold. The Evil Dead surrounded us.
"En Garde!"
With a crowbar and ceramic tile grout, I felled the zombies in a single deft blow. Then more came up. The Beast took out a large poster of himself and threw it at the zombies. Its ancient, sexy magick caused them to pop the brains out of their heads in agony. We advanced quickly. Like a really annoying videogame, we tediously killed thousands and came upon the final obstacle. The Brother of the Beast, sitting there wasting electricity. After a painful hour( DAMN YOU CARPAL TUNNEL!) of Jedi Knight, we advanced into the final zombie stronghold. The king of zombies was revieled. None other than MICHAEL JACKSON! DUN DUN DUUUUN!

It turns out he was like a wheel of plagues, containing every disease known to man. Including the zombie virus. So we decided to stop him the only way we could.


After an impromptu widescale music preformance (complete with backup zombie dancers) , Jackson was melted into the consistancy of silly putty. Pat finally appeared again and trapped him in an egg case, with the excess in a Coke bottle. We went back to America and presented the egg to the president, who thought it was a football and threw it into space. This would later land on a distant planet and turn into what would be known as a facehugger. So yeah. We did it. We saved the world. It was promptly refilled with alien clones the next day, who remembered nothing about this incident. But lemme give you a list of places not replaced by clones.
Southern California, East Texas, Tennesee, Tibet, and Washington D.C.
Anyone else is a clone.

Del Fin.
Collateral 06-19-2005 05:38 PM
No amount of plastic surgery can fix turning into silly putty! Poor Jackson...poor, poor Jackson... Tongue

You know, I worry about you D-boy but I worry about myself more...I am a fellow conspirator Crying !

Just kidding. Believe me I got loads of laughs! I think you should do another (even though it seems like the end and all is well...the world is saved, yady yada) with Vincent and Max from Collateral just because...because...because it is my favorite movie in the whole entire world Pleased ! I will reward you with plenty of WTF?!?! moments in my story! Cross my heart and hope to watch Milk-chan (Milk-chan is just not funny Mad )

Also...maybe you should add some Nightmare Before Christmas junk too just because that is my favorite movie above Collateral. Yeah! I do like a movie more than Collateral Tongue ! Nightmare Before Christmas rocks!
BabyGhia 06-20-2005 03:55 PM
I'm afraid to say this but you should write another one. Shocked Random but still funny.

Heh. Guess my family and friends are clones since we live in Northern California.


The Big Finale 06-21-2005 02:06 AM
My insanity demands more. Oblige my lack of rationality with written material that will lower it even further.

Generalissimo D 06-23-2005 09:05 PM
Fine then. I'll give you one more. Straight off the presses, lets get on with it. This is the last in this series. So enjoy.
Revolution 5.

So. The world was safe from the zombies. The Ring destroyed. The Sexy Beast desexified. All was right. In celebration of the moment of peace, the Statue of Libery threw up the horns.
\m/ \m/
Life settled back to its ways. The clones occaisionally developing transcription errors and being replaced with new ones. It was, as Bruce Campbell had once put it:
Then it hit. The End of the World. Japanese Mecha fell down to Earth. Southern Baptists were impaled on the blades of Catholic zealots. Nader was voted President. In other words, Stuff went Down. And I just started playing Halo. As I stepped out to get a clue as to what the hell was going on a flash blinded me. A Sol Tekkaman Next-Gen Unit had fallen from out of no where.
There was a maddening amount of fanboy drool in Houston that day.
I opened it and knocked the pilot out. Took me 3 seconds to get used to the controls. Gaming=Life saving skills. I rose high into the sky, looking all around. There we no zombies this time. No supernatural forces of d00m trying to knock us the f*ck out. Atlantis rose and I landed upon it and saw the face of mine enemy. It was Tom Cruise.
"Holy dancing banannas on a cold summer."
He was mad. Very mad. Someone had dropped a cooler of Gatorade on him. When you drop that on Tom Cruise, somthings gonna die. Something turned out to be nearly everything. His hair had turned white from his Super Sayajin rage. In his hand was The Boomstick. The Boomstick that Ash himself had wielded. All fell before the Boomstick. An army of Mazingers, Evangelions, Gundams, and various other misc. machines. Think Super Robot Wars. Agaisn't Tom Cruise. Yeah, I'ld bet Cruise too. So he shot, and broke, and ripped apart the masses. Then the magical girls and androids took a turn. Cutey Honey was reduced to the consitency of Honey. Cole showed up in a Macross mecha and Pat in a large gundam of his choice. They put up a gallant fight, but the Cruise was wearing them down. I activated my VolTekka Rifle and proceeded to fire upon the actor. A beam sabre slash from the other two, a few more shots from me, and he was well done. We promptly served him up in Utah to the Mormons. Half the state is ours now. I believe the moderators of PCF were made of the remenants of Cruise's brain, which at some point split itself from the defunct part and reformed.
To make sure Atlantis stayed lost, I relocated Sony and all its devoted mindslaves on it, and with one big Vol Tekka blast it went down again.
So the land was saved. Again.
BethMcBeth 06-23-2005 09:25 PM
HAHAAHHA!! OMG!! OMG!! SOrry I am so late running into this this is awesome! I love it all! Keep writting more and more please! I love the humor!! Yyaya!!

Collateral 06-23-2005 11:11 PM
I knew I could count on you to add Tom Cruise in there! You even made his hair pratically the same color as in the movie Collateral! When you get back I will have exactly 1 million WTF?!? moments for you in my fanfic! You are the best D-boy!
BabyGhia 06-24-2005 09:44 AM

Just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger!?! It did.


Generalissimo D 07-22-2005 11:35 PM
The Totally-Verifiable-Ultimate Apocryphic Sequel-Fic

So there I was. In MEXICO. A place rivaled only by ENGLAND in ghosts, aliens, quality television, and good movies involving drugs. My Sol Tekkaman suit was not in use for the sheer fact I couldn't find any compatible power plugs to recharge it. As I lay there, in the shade of my temporary dwelling, I began to plot. I kicked a rock over out of boredom, and thousands of mutants came forth. They all bore the mark of Disney. The failed experiments, never meant to surface. Tons of little girls and boys, filled to the brim with chemicals that would emit hypnotic waves to snare those of weak will. Fire fell from the sky.
I ran like an metal head to where I hid the suit and hopped in.
Ferinium Levels: 87%
Power Levels: Yabba-Dabba-Groovy.
Computer Systems: Ready to Boogie.
Life Support: Cruisin'.
Weapons Systems-
Hi Colt Vol Tekka: Its Good.
Ferinium Cannon: Locked and Loaded.
Tekkanium Bayonet: Pretty Sharp.

The boosters activated and I flew up once more, raining down shiny blasts of death. I was doing pretty good at killing them, until one of the demons began singing. Badly. The lyrics alone fragged my suit bad.
[PopEmo] “blah blah blah, blaaaaah blaaaah!” [/PopEmo]

I spiraled out of control, my cannon going off sporadically. In a desperate attempt to stabilize myself, I fired my Hi Colt. The shoulder panels lifted up and a good deal of my ferinium was drained. The potent blast sent me flying back to Amerika. I landed somewhere in the States, in an altar of some sort.
That Zelda music played. You know. That one little fairy theme. The suit opened up and the mesh undersuit came off as well. I got up with a bump on my head and a blue LED light in my eyes.
“Hello again!”
The Ghia Fairy was floating above me, feeding Microsoft users to her laptop's blood powered generator.

“Hey... Hows the graphic designer thing going?”


I was, for once, very grateful the Space Knights were cheap bastards and ran Linux. The shiny blue light of the Mac powered fairy was really beginning to annoy me. An epic thumb battle soon ensued.
So anyway.
I was leaping along:
Leap, leap, leap.
When I came across a group of crackpot teenagers. They were planning to design a giant robot.
“Blasphemy!” I proclaimed.
Thousands of suicidal fan girls formed up into a giant fist and knocked me back to Mexico. In my airtime, I began to introspect about the country I was to land in. I landed in a hole, on top of treasure. As I gathered myself and opened the chest, an evil spirit came up. It was of an Aztec warrior, who I held an conversation with.
The warrior asked: “How was it that we, the Aztec, were felled and conquered?”
In response, Cole, Pat, and a friend of Cole's called David, jumped out in red robes.
“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

Then a storm came and I was stuck in the mud. Help me.